neglect

[theresa6787]

My Husband and I have been married for 14 years, everything was great for the first 3 years. He started playing video games and stop coming to bed at a normal hour,that's when it started, he went from that to a computer and our sex was maybey twice a month to gradually once a month and noe for the past two years nothing has happened, I'm so sad and lonely, I dont know what to do, I tried everything for a whole year and felt rejected, i mean you can feel when someone does'nt really want you, now i wont do nothing and doesn't seem to bother him. We no longer sleep together, he stays on computer all night long,all day playing games and poker, I mean he's a man, he doesn't even need me for sex, has anyone gone through this because I think it's the worse abuse. Help

[stepmother]

My ex and I went through a similar situation although there were other issues involved. My best friend and her husband went through this. My husband and his ex...I guess you could say that I've seen it happen.
In my own situation as with my husband and his ex there were reasons that the computer games took over. My ex went out to bars and played being single so I stayed home on the computer. I didn't neglect him but started playing because of being neglected myself. My husband had his reason but from what he's told me, he was hiding from his reality of an unhappy life and marriage. To be honest, I don't know what to tell you...there are a couple options you can try if you want your marriage to work.
One is to do something drastic, like leave the house for a couple of days....let him know that this is a situation that is going to HAVE to change. Be willing to compromise with allowing him to play but make sure that there are no underlying reasons behind why he's playing so much. Maybe he's avoiding a confrontation, maybe he does not realize that it's this consuming...maybe he's simply selfish...Once you have his attention so to speak, get to a counselor. Do not try to work through all this alone. Let him explain his reasons for doing this. Let him know how you feel without accusing. And see if he would be willing to help you salvage your marriage
The other option is to play with him. I understand that you may not be interested but have you tried to understand his interest? Maybe ask him if there's a game that you could get into that would interest you. There are a lot of types of games out there...
All this is providing that you WANT to salvage your marriage. There's no easy answer to this. Yes, neglect is terrible but I believe that there are worse things he could be doing...
My reasons for playing now...I can escape my routine and reality. I'm polite person and my mother raised me that if you don't have anything nice to say or productive to add to the conversation...keep your mouth shut. Instead of getting angry when someone cuts me off in traffic, I make excuses for them like they are trying to get to the hospital for an emergency. BUT on my game....I'm a warrior. I can be something I'm not. I can work out frustrations. I can meet people from all over the world and it has taught me a lot with communications. My husband and I play together. Most of the time as a team and that is yet one more bond we have.
They have had these situations on the news so you are not alone in this. It's more common than you may realize. I understand that this doesn't help your situation but it may make you feel a little better to know that there are others out there. My suggestion is that you need to decide what YOU want out of this and go from there...

[trbotina]

Stepmother is right. You need to figure out what YOU want. Then you'll need to work toward that goal. There isn't always something "bad" about being online alot, but it is a red flag. Gaming sites have great games (I am a member of one where I accept weekly chalanges)and most have "chat" options. Granted most convos are generally innocent, some can be extreemly provocative and/or downright blatant about internet relationships. Do you know what sites he frequents? This will give you and idea of his draw to the computer. The excitement of defeting a level of the game or the excitement of his persona he projects online. My husband knows that I have my challanges every week and he just rolls his eyes. Your husband may be in a depression and is using the internet to soothe his own lonliness. To be rejected online doesn't sting as much as being rejected in reality. Also something to look into is your finances. Some of those gaming sites allow you to win and loose cash. He could have a double addiction... gambling and internet.
Have you talked to him about your concerns? Have you talked to his family? Are you willing to fight for him? These are things you'll have to ask yourself.

[theresa6787]

I do like to play games and i do, i just think there should be a balance, i mean i get absolutely no attention, no sex, i dont even have to make excuses for not having sex, i guess i would feel better if he just atleast needed me for that, he's not having an affair, he says there is no sexual problem.He is a handsome man and i am an attractive woman. What do I do?

[stepmother]

I'm not really sure...If he says that there is no sexual problem, do you think he's telling you the truth? Does he not think that there is a problem also? Have you discussed a compromise? Would he consider going to counseling?
Maybe you could ask him to start a "date night". My husband and I have a date night every Friday, even if we have the boys with us. We go out to eat and then watch a movie or something. We all know that is our time together, whether it's our time for just us or family time. Both the boys play computer games too so this way we know that for Friday nights they don't play and we find something else to do together....

[trbotina]

How is the rest of his life affected by his time on the 'puter? He can't be working at peak performance on his job if he is tired from being online all night. If you have talked to him and he refuses to change his behavior, you need to make a descion... Can you live with feeling the way you feel for the rest of your life? You cannot make him change if he doesn't want to. I'm with stepmother... have you consitered counceling? He may not think he hasn't got a sexual problem, but if you are in a marriage sex is healthy and normal. He's not behaving as a man with a normal sexual life. It could be mental, physical or emotional, but it is not normal.

[theresa6787]

It's definitely not his work, he has everyone working for him so he's on the phone alot during the day but he's very lazy but still make a good living. I have talked to him about counseling but he's not going but is willing to do home counseling through the internet with mort fertel, He is overweight and not very active so that does'nt help eighther, He can live in a pig pen and it would not bother him. He has the nicest thing but doesn't take care of them. Brand new harley bike, He has a Harley truck, he collects guns, and his taste is quite expensive, he buys me the best things but when it comes to love, I just don't feel it coming from him,It's like he's lost that feeling. I'm thinking of putting hidden camera in his room to see if maybey he's doing porn, he could be taking care of himself and to me that's pretty selfish and lazy when i am a willing partner, I just don't know what to do, it just seems hopeless.

[trbotina]

Too bad you can't file AoA against a computer.