Child Custody in North Carolina: Answers to Your Most Pressing Questions

These child custody frequently asked questions are the ones our law firm receives most often. Some may be top of your mind as you go through you separation, others are questions you may have never considered before.

1. “Do I have to go to court to resolve custody issues in North Carolina?”

Many parents are relieved to learn that you don’t necessarily have to battle it out in a courtroom to establish custody arrangements in North Carolina. In fact, there are several ways to resolve custody matters without a judge making the final decision:

Informal agreement: If you and your co-parent can communicate effectively, you might work out a parenting arrangement on your own. However, it’s still important to have this agreement formalized into a court order to make it legally enforceable. Your attorney can help draft this agreement and submit it to the court for approval.

Mediation: North Carolina actually requires mediation before most custody trials. In mediation, a neutral third party helps guide your discussions toward solutions that work for everyone, especially your children. Many parents find they can reach agreements in mediation that they couldn’t reach on their own. The mediator doesn’t make decisions for you but helps facilitate productive conversations.

Collaborative law process: This involves you and your co-parent each having your own attorney, but everyone commits to resolving issues without going to court. You’ll have a series of meetings where you and your attorneys work together to reach solutions.

Arbitration: Similar to a court proceeding but less formal, arbitration involves presenting your case to a neutral third party (often a former judge or experienced family law attorney) who makes a binding decision.

The benefits of resolving custody without litigation are significant:

• You maintain more control over the outcome
• It’s typically less expensive and time-consuming
• It’s usually less stressful for everyone, especially your children
• It can set a positive tone for future co-parenting

That said, court intervention is sometimes necessary, especially in cases involving domestic violence, substance abuse, or when communication has completely broken down. Even if you start with alternative methods, you always have the option of going to court if you can’t reach an agreement.

Remember, whatever method you choose, focusing on what’s best for your children rather than “winning” against your ex will lead to better outcomes for everyone involved.

2. “How will a judge decide who gets custody of my children in North Carolina?”

We understand this is probably your biggest concern. In North Carolina, judges make custody decisions based on what they believe is in your child’s best interests. They’ll look at things like:

• How well you and the other parent can care for your children
• The relationships your children have with both parents
• Your physical and mental health
• What kind of home environment you can provide

North Carolina courts generally prefer arrangements where your children can maintain meaningful relationships with both parents, when it’s healthy to do so. Every family’s situation is unique, and judges have considerable flexibility in their decisions. That’s why it’s so important to have good legal representation and to document all the ways you’re a capable, loving parent.

3. “What’s the difference between legal custody and physical custody? Do I need both?”

These terms can be confusing when you’re first navigating the custody process. Here’s what they actually mean:

Legal custody gives you the right to make major life decisions for your child—things like where they’ll go to school, what medical treatment they’ll receive, and their religious upbringing.

Physical custody determines where your child actually lives and who handles day-to-day care and routine decisions.

Both types can be either joint (shared between parents) or sole (given primarily to one parent):

• With joint legal custody, you and your ex will make important decisions together
• With sole legal custody, one parent has the final say on major decisions
• With joint physical custody, your child spends substantial time living with both of you
• With primary physical custody, your child lives mainly with one parent, while the other has visitation

Many families in North Carolina end up with joint legal custody but with one parent having primary physical custody. Remember, though, that your arrangement will be based on what works best for your unique family situation.

4. “Is it possible for me to get full custody of my children?”

Yes, it’s possible, but it’s important to understand that North Carolina courts typically favor arrangements where both parents remain involved in their children’s lives. To get sole custody, you’ll need to convince the court that this arrangement is truly what’s best for your children.

You might have a stronger case for sole custody if you can show evidence that the other parent:

• Struggles with substance abuse that affects their parenting
• Has been violent toward you or your children
• Has serious mental health issues that impact their ability to parent safely
• Has abandoned the children or repeatedly failed to show up for parenting time
• Engages in criminal activity that puts the children at risk

This isn’t an easy legal standard to meet, and you’ll need substantial documentation—and possibly expert testimony—to support your position. An experienced family law attorney can help you understand whether seeking sole custody is realistic in your situation and how best to present your case.

5. “Can I change our custody arrangement if circumstances change?”

Life changes, and sometimes your custody arrangement needs to change too. In North Carolina, you can request a modification to your custody order, but you’ll need to show there’s been a “substantial change in circumstances” that affects your child’s welfare since the original order was put in place.

Some examples that might qualify include:

• If you or your ex needs to move for a job
• If your child has new medical or educational needs
• If one parent’s living situation has significantly improved or deteriorated
• If the other parent consistently violates the existing custody agreement
• If your older child has strong, well-reasoned preferences about the arrangement

To request a change, you’ll need to file a motion with the court that issued your original order and present evidence of these changed circumstances. The judge will then determine if changing the arrangement would be in your child’s best interests. Having solid documentation of the changes and their impact on your child will strengthen your case.

6. “How does our custody arrangement affect child support payments?”

While custody and child support are separate legal issues, they’re definitely connected. In North Carolina, child support is calculated using state guidelines that take into account both parents’ incomes, the number of children, and your custody arrangement.

The amount of time your children spend with each parent directly impacts these calculations:

• If your children live primarily with you, the other parent typically pays you support
• If you share physical custody fairly equally, support payments might be reduced to account for the time and expenses you each incur directly

Some important things to remember:

• You can’t withhold visits if your ex isn’t paying support
• Your ex can’t stop paying support if there’s a dispute about visitation
• Child support and custody rights are enforced separately under the law
• Neither parent can “bargain” reduced support for increased custody or vice versa

The courts view financial support and time with your children as separate obligations, both designed to benefit your children. For a calculation specific to your family’s situation, it’s best to consult with a family law attorney who knows the ins and outs of North Carolina child support cases.

7. “Do mothers have an advantage over fathers in custody cases in North Carolina?”

This is a common concern, especially for fathers. The good news is that North Carolina law explicitly prohibits gender bias in custody decisions. By law, judges must consider only factors related to your child’s best interests, without any automatic preference for either mother or father.

Historically, mothers were often given custody of young children under what was called the “tender years doctrine.” However, this outdated concept has been eliminated from North Carolina law. Today, both parents start on equal legal footing in custody proceedings.

That said, in practice, primary custody arrangements often end up favoring the parent who has been the primary caregiver, which in some families may be the mother. But fathers who have been actively involved in their children’s lives and can demonstrate their parenting abilities have equal standing under the law. We’re increasingly seeing courts recognize how important it is for children to have both parents remain involved in their lives when possible.

8. “How will domestic violence affect my custody case?”

North Carolina courts take domestic violence very seriously when making custody decisions. If there’s evidence of domestic violence in your family, this will significantly impact your custody case.

By law (North Carolina General Statute §50-13.2), when the court finds that domestic violence has occurred, the judge must consider this fact when determining what custody arrangement would be best for your child.

If domestic violence is proven, the court might:

• Order supervised visitation for the abusive parent
• Require that you exchange the children in a safe location
• Prohibit overnight visits
• Order the abusive parent to complete treatment programs
• Issue protective orders for your safety and your child’s safety

If you’re dealing with domestic violence in your situation:

• Document everything with police reports, medical records, and witness statements
• Consider getting a Domestic Violence Protective Order if necessary
• Work with an attorney who has experience with domestic violence cases
• Request specialized custody evaluation if appropriate

The court’s primary concern will always be your child’s safety and well-being, and evidence of domestic violence will have a major impact on custody and visitation decisions.

9. “What exactly is a parenting plan, and why do I need one?”

Think of a parenting plan as the roadmap for how you and your ex will raise your children after separation or divorce. It’s a written document that spells out the specifics of your co-parenting arrangement and typically becomes part of the court’s custody order.

A good North Carolina parenting plan should cover:

• Your custody schedule (regular weekdays/weekends, holidays, summer breaks, etc.)
• How you’ll make important decisions about education, healthcare, and religion
• How you’ll communicate with each other about the children
• How you’ll handle pickups and drop-offs
• What happens if someone needs to change the schedule
• How you’ll resolve disagreements that come up in the future

Having a detailed parenting plan is incredibly valuable because it:

• Gives everyone clarity and reduces conflicts
• Creates stability and predictability for your children
• Sets clear expectations for both parents
• Gives you something to refer to when disagreements arise
• Can be updated as your children’s needs change

The courts strongly encourage parents to work together to develop their own parenting plans, either directly or through mediation. After all, you know your children and your family dynamics better than anyone else. If you can’t agree, though, the judge will create a parenting plan based on the evidence presented during your custody hearing.

10. “Can my child choose which parent they want to live with?”

This is a question we hear often from parents. In North Carolina, your child’s preference may be considered by the court, but it won’t be the only factor in the decision. How much weight the judge gives to your child’s wishes depends mainly on their age, maturity, and reasoning.

North Carolina doesn’t have a specific age when a child’s preference becomes the deciding factor. However:

• Judges typically give more consideration to older children’s wishes
• Your child’s maturity and the reasoning behind their preference matter more than age alone
• The judge may talk with your child privately in chambers to hear their thoughts without putting additional stress on them
• If it seems your child’s preference is based on improper influence or factors that aren’t in their best interest (like wanting to live with the “fun” parent with fewer rules), the judge may disregard it

It’s really important not to put your children in the middle of your custody dispute or pressure them to choose sides. This can cause them emotional harm and might even hurt your case. The court’s ultimate responsibility is to determine what arrangement is best for your child, even if that doesn’t match what they say they want.

11. “What if I need to move to another city or state after our custody order is in place?”

Life circumstances sometimes require a move, but when you have a custody order in North Carolina, relocating with your children can be legally complicated. If you have primary custody and need to move a significant distance (especially out of state), you’ll typically need either the other parent’s agreement or the court’s permission.

When considering relocation cases, North Carolina judges look at:

• Why you want to move (job opportunity, education, family support, etc.)
• How the move would affect your child’s relationship with the other parent
• The potential benefits and drawbacks for your child
• Your child’s connections to their current community, school, and friends
• Whether it’s possible to maintain the existing custody arrangement despite the distance

If you’re thinking about relocating:

1. First, check your current custody order for any provisions about relocation
2. Try to discuss your plans with your ex if possible—an agreed solution is always best
3. If you can’t reach an agreement, you’ll need to file a motion to modify custody based on changed circumstances
4. Be prepared to suggest a new visitation schedule that helps maintain your child’s relationship with the other parent

Judges approach relocation cases very carefully, weighing all factors affecting your child’s best interests. Generally, you’ll need to show that the move benefits your child, not just you. Having an experienced family law attorney to guide you through this process is essential when relocation becomes necessary.

If you still have questions, contact us or call us at 919-787-6668. We have staff standing by that can schedule you to speak to an attorney or provide you with whatever resources you need.