During the course of our many years of trying custody cases, we have learned a great deal about how to make the system work to achieve what our client believes is in the best interest of their child. A lot of that knowledge is legal skill that you will need to rely on your lawyer to employ on your behalf. However, there are a few things you can do that we have seen work particularly well in custody cases. Make use of these tips, and you might get the edge you need to prevail if you wind up in court.
The first secret is that judges are bored by testimony about who brushes your child’s teeth, tucks them in, attends their games, and takes them to the doctor. This is what family court judges hear day in and day out. Your objective is to stand out in a positive way so the judge gives your side’s presentation more of his attention. What works here is using pictures, videotapes, and items from school like cards and letters, etc. These visually interesting items have a much greater impact than someone’s voice alone. They help the judge personalize your relationship with your child. We recommend that as you identify items that may have value to your case, store them in your lawyer’s office or at a friend’s house. Don’t hide them in your own home, especially if your spouse is still there. Treat these items with extreme care as they could wind up being crucial to your case.
The second secret relates to being recognized as a good parent. Everyone knows the conundrum, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” Our version goes, “If you are a great parent and nobody knows it, are you a great parent?” Every custody case involves differences of opinion about the fitness of the other parent. Each parent highlights his or her own parental abilities and brings out the shortcomings of the other spouse. The judge must rely on witnesses to paint a more objective picture of the parents. The witnesses who make a difference are the people who see you parent your children. Here are some examples:
- A day care teacher who sees the excitement of your child when you arrive for pickup.
- A nurse at your pediatrician’s office who recalls that you are always there when your child is sick.
- A neighbor who sees you playing catch outside after work.
- Relatives who know about your parenting.
The bottom line is, don’t be an invisible parent. If you are a great parent who hasn’t been visible, you can correct the situation. If you are thinking about being in court, you will probably have a lot of time to prepare—usually six months, a year or more. You can use that time to be visibly involved with your child in the presence of people who can support your case.
Third, the person who can give the most specific examples to illustrate his or her case is generally deemed to be more credible. We advise our clients to keep a journal of everything that happens related to the ex-spouse and the children. Record items like when your child was returned after visitation, what your spouse said when returning the child, anything you notice about child care (such as improper clothing at school or illness). The journal is important, because you won’t be able to remember specifics six months down the road. The only downside to this suggestion is that it can make it harder to come to agreement later, because you have become focused on noticing the negatives about the way your spouse is handling parenting responsibilities. Of course, you could also record the positives which, although we have yet to see it, could help you see your spouse in a different light and be helpful in finding agreement. As with all the other issues of contention that we’re covering, you could view this as an exercise in improving your relationship and parenting skills. Growth is good, right?
Another option is recording telephone conversations with your spouse and keeping voicemail recordings from him or her. These recordings might be used in court if it is necessary to show that the other parent is hostile or abusive, or to prove admissions that he or she might make outside of court about the care of the child. Tape recordings help eliminate the general he said/she said arguments that occur in custody trials. Be cautious, though; while taping is legal in most states when at least one person consents, there are some states where this is not the case. Reporters Committee is a website designed for reporters, but equally useful for parents, has state-by-state information about the legalities of recording conversations. Some parents secretly tape conversations between their child and their former spouse. This is generally illegal and is not advised.
Finally, it’s clear to us that what most judges are looking for when presiding over a custody case is a parent who can be trusted to take care of the child. While it’s important to not allow the other side to steamroll you, avoiding over-the-top allegations that diminish your credibility can help create the impression that you are responsible and can be trusted.
