The other area that needs to be addressed when developing a parenting agreement is decision making. Obviously, the parent who is with the child makes the bulk of immediate decisions, such as whether the child can go to a movie, buy something, or visit a friend. In most cases this is not an issue, and there really isn’t an alternative. Nobody would put up with micromanagement of these issues from afar. Parents will need to trust each other’s judgment and, where they find the former spouse’s parenting style is leading to trouble, must discuss the issue. It’s impossible to use a legal agreement to control all of the decisions parents need to make, although such an agreement can establish parameters and preferences to use as reference in future discussions. If you both agree now that TV should be limited until the children are older, and you put that in your agreement, you can remind your spouse of the agreement if you need to raise the issue later.
Determining how major decisions will be made for children can become a real sticking point for some parents. These decisions usually relate to education, healthcare, and religion. One important thing to consider about these decisions is that there aren’t really very many of them. Also, most couples shared many values when they were married. Fighting over the right to make decisions that would likely be made in the same way by your former spouse anyway is counter-productive. On the other hand, parents who are left out of decision-making may feel less inclined to be involved with their children overall. For that reason, we feel that it is crucial, for the well-being of your children, that you find a way to share the big decisions with your ex.
If your marriage has involved a lot of conflict, and you feel that shared decision-making may not work, consider planning for this in your agreement by incorporating alternative dispute resolution options such as mediation, followed by arbitration. This approach can avoid the cost of going to court and help get the decision made quickly enough to still be relevant.
