No custody arrangement works as well as an intact family. Inevitably there is some loss as a result of the divorce. Every arrangement has benefits and drawbacks for each family member. While everyone’s concerns need to be considered, parents need to maintain their focus on what is in the best interests of the children.
When a parent fails to maintain focus on the best interests of the children, things can go from bad to worse very quickly. Parents who reach an agreement without focusing on their children’s interests risk having the agreement challenged later, and the court will maintain an interest in the children’s welfare until they are adults.
While the prospect of being subjected to the dictate of a judge can be frightening, we urge you to remember that most people are able to reach agreement without ever going to court. Even if you are being threatened with court, it is best if you focus your energy on creating an agreement that works for your family rather than on worrying too much about what would happen in court.
People make poor decisions under stress, and especially when they are threatened with the loss of their children. If you are the one under stress take your time in the negotiation process. If you are having trouble with anger or fear and can’t get past it, remember to rely on your support system. Whatever you do, don’t be pressured into making a decision you can’t live with or feel won’t work out. Sometimes an attorney will say that you should accept something in your agreement because, based on experience, he or she expects that things will change in your favor later. That scenario may be right in almost all cases, but you must make sure you can live with the consequences if your case proves to be the exception. While you and your spouse can change your agreement later, if you can’t agree to the change, you might have to go to court to prove that the change was in the child’s best interest.
In court custody fights, a parent can bolster a position by focusing on the spouse’s weaknesses. This is obviously harmful to the ongoing relationship of two people who are trying to raise children in tandem. When parents work together to create their own parenting plan, they will improve their chances of success if they turn their attention to each other’s strengths. This focus enables them to think of the benefits each parent can provide the children to meet developmental needs. Working together this way reduces hostility and begins your new relationship as separated parents. The process of creating your agreement can be difficult, but can ultimately help each of you develop the communication skills you will need to effectively and cooperatively parent throughout your children’s lives. If you really want to do what’s best for your kids, you simply have no choice but to find a way to work together with the other person who is responsible for the children you both love.
