In reaching agreement you will focus on the time each of you spends with the kids and the control of decision-making. We’ll first focus on the issue of dividing the time. You or one of the attorneys will write your decisions into a divorce agreement or parenting plan. In your parenting plan you can usually use whatever terms you like to describe your arrangement, bearing in mind that terms like noncustodial parent and visitation are often contentious. In the following discussion we’ll stay away from these terms and consider the case of two parents, Sam and Terry, and assume that the parent who will provide the bulk of the caretaking will be Sam who is a stay at home parent.
The most common schedule we see both parents and judges arrive at is for the child to live with “Sam” and spend alternating weekends and one or two weeknights for dinner or an overnight with “Terry.” Holiday periods are alternated: for instance, Christmas one year, Thanksgiving the next. School breaks may also be alternated. Summer vacation is split, with the child spending anywhere from one week to six weeks with dad.
We have already discussed how research shows that the amount of time spent by each parent with a child is not relevant to the child’s well-being. However, we’ve rarely found a parent willing to accept this conclusion. Many parents get very hung up on the exact amount of time.
At first glance, “Terry” might think the generic schedule allows very limited time with the children. What we often do is go through the exact hours together, taking into account the work and school schedules of the child and parent. What comes to light is that even in an intact family, when “Terry” works a typical schedule, the amount of time spent seeing the kids in the morning and in the evening (between arrival home and bedtime) is relatively small. Being away from the child on four out of five school nights doesn’t tip the balance as much as might be expected. Depending on your schedules, you might find something along the lines of a sixty/forty split in waking time with your child.
If you are a parent seeking more time with your children than the standard schedule provides, there are a number of options you can ask for that can help achieve your goals:
- Ask to be able to keep the child during any holidays connected to your weekends. Aside from national and state holidays, schools have regular teacher workdays, which parents are often willing to accept as part of a long weekend with whichever parent is on the schedule for that time.
- Extend your weekend time together from ending on Sunday night to ending on Monday morning, in order to get another night and morning together.
- Give yourself right of first refusal when the parent on the schedule needs a babysitter. This means that they will be required to see if you are available and interested in taking the kids, instead of bringing in someone else. While the amount of time this involves is hard to predict, it could be substantial.
- Use the many weeks available in the summer to make up for lost time during the school year. Summers are obviously great times for a trip together, where you can focus your attention on your child and together you can build lasting memories. The challenge with summer, of course, is that kids need something to do, and parents usually need to work.
If you find yourself fighting to get one or two extra overnights per month, consider giving in. You may be pleasantly surprised, down the road, to find that you get the extra overnight anyway, as the reality of full-time parenting sets in and your ex-spouse’s life evolves.
Parents with more than one child can consider sharing transportation duties in the evenings. Often the kids will participate in activities with schedules that are nearly impossible for one parent to manage alone. A parent looking for ways to spend more time with his or her children could handle driving one child to or from an event, which helps everyone.
This transportation concept works really well with older kids, who, we’re sorry to say, often aren’t very interested in time with parents. They prefer to spend time with friends. Fighting about the amount of time you get with your older child may lead to disappointment. However, we’ve learned that one of the best times for parents to talk to teenagers is when they’re in the car together. Instead of asking for more overnights, consider the creative solution of being the one to drive them wherever they need to go. It doesn’t sound like much fun, but it may be the best way to stay connected with a teen.
As you can now see, the parenting schedule, even in a sole custody arrangement, can result in a much more even division of parenting time than might have first been expected. When parents focus on this reality instead of preconceived notions or semantic subtleties, a lot of the emotion around these negotiations can fade away. Parents can then stop fighting about hours, and instead consider their children’s needs and the creation of a parenting plan that works well for the kids.
