Raising children is not easy when parents are married and living under the same roof. Parents can disagree over discipline, social media use, tv time, bedtime, religion, and more. If the parents separate, parenting can become even more difficult and challenging. What can parents do when they disagree over issues when they don’t live together?
The Importance of Custody Schedules
First, both parents need to realize that until a judge rules on custody and visitation, each parent has an equal voice/vote over matters related to their children. Neither parent is given any preferential treatment, despite myths that mothers are given special consideration or treatment over fathers. Both parents will enter custody consideration on equal footing.
Physical Custody
To fully understand custody issues, one needs to understand that custody has 2 components: physical custody and legal custody. Physical custody focuses on which parent has the child in his or her physical control/custody, ie which parent has the child with him or her in the home. One parent may have the child Sunday evening through Wednesday morning and the other parent would then see the child Wednesday evening through Sunday morning. Another typical custody schedule sees parents having a week on, week off schedule. Unless there are some horrible facts in a custody case, like physical abuse or substance abuse, the legal community expects and supports that both parents should have some physical custody time. And, yes, even the worst parents will likely be given some visitation time.
Currently in most family law circles, there is a real movement towards parents having as close to a 50/50 time share with custody as possible. However, this type of arrangement typically only works when the parents will live relatively close to each other post-separation.
Logistics, housing, and work and travel schedules will force parents to develop a physical custody schedule that will work for them.
Legal Custody
The other part of custody is legal custody. This element involves all of the big decisions in a child’s life. Should the children attend private or public school? Should the children be home schooled? Should the children participate in religious activities? Which denomination will they attend? What doctor should they visit? A traditional practice or one that embraces alternative medicine? Should the children be vaccinated or not?
Typically, parents want to share legal custody. A joint legal custody agreement is fine, as long as each parent agrees. The trouble starts when parents do not agree – and agreeing is never a given even when parents are together.
There are some options for parents to consider when tackling the legal custody issue. First, parents may agree in a separation agreement and/or parenting agreement that they will agree to consult with each other before making a big decision. However, when there are two parents deciding, they each have one vote. There is no tie breaker to make a binding decision. If the parents have agreed that one parent is the decision maker, then that parent’s word rules. However, often, parents have agreed to joint legal custody without issue.
Resolving Your Disagreements
During the separation process, it is possible that the parents underwent mediation. Mediation is a popular alternative dispute resolution method. A mediator will try to bring the parties together and resolve their disputes. A mediator cannot make a decision, but he or she will try to negotiate terms for the parents. Often, mediation is non-binding and informal. Most mediations will be conducted at an attorney’s office and not at a courthouse. Perhaps in the mediation process this issue was addressed, and the mediator got the parties to agree on who to take their legal custody issues to for future unresolved issues. The parties may have agreed on another attorney or child custody professional.
Another popular dispute resolution method is arbitration. Typically, arbitration is binding and non-appealable. It can be stipulated in a separation agreement or parenting agreement that in the event of a decision where the parties can’t resolve the dispute, that the parties will submit their issue to an arbitrator. The arbitrator can rule on school choices and who holds the passport.
And, lastly, the parents can always bring a lawsuit against the other parent, asking a judge to rule. This is the most expensive and time-intensive method. Family court judges will make a decision in a situation where the parents just can’t, but judges always prefer that the parties/parents resolve the issue themselves. Judges want parents to realize that they need to focus on how to co-parent and that it is always in the children’s best interests to keep the parents out of the courtroom and other such adversarial settings. Judges will rule in a manner that they think is in the child or children’s best interests.
What If My Spouse is Unreasonable or Won’t Budge?
In high conflict cases, judges may appoint a child’s advocate to assist in a case. A child’s advocate represents the child in a custody battle. The advocate/attorney has been trained on how to work with the child and advance/argue for what the child believes is his or her best interests. Typically child advocates only work with children over the age of 7. Child experts will always encourage parents to stay away from the high-conflict. Data supports the theory that high conflict divorce cases tend to render the children more exposed to harm and to suffer from long-term emotional damage.
What Can We Do Outside of the Legal System?
So, there are options to help parents resolve their legal custody disputes and differences. But, is there any way that parents can avoid these time-consuming and finically draining options? Sure, the parents can perhaps resolve matters if they can remember to assess their parenting styles and focus on some of the following.
Parents may be hurt and mad with each other-but they need to overlook or compartmentalize their disagreements with each other and focus on the children. Judges and the legal system will constantly ask: what is in the children’s best interests? If the parents can set aside their hurt and anger, and focus on the children-they can perhaps come to a resolution. Co-parenting means that the parents need to stay kid focused-having that type of maturity and judgment make take some time after a marital split.
Professional therapists and divorce coaches may help with issues. Others suggest things like: don’t use the children as messengers; don’t engage in arguments in front of the children; don’t quibble over the small things, for example, a 30 minute difference for bed time; don’t use your children as way to punish your ex; don’t be petty-take every opportunity to stay focused on what is best for your child; don’t use social media to blast your ex; don’t force your child to take sides; and don’t overlook the final goal-helping your child grow into a great adult.
Using a family app could be helpful also. It can require parents to put all their communications in writing and those records could be used in court if needed. This can force a different tone on communications. Communications should transition away from mom v. dad to mom and dad as being co-parents and teammates.
With the children’s best interests in mind, hopefully parents can come together and resolve their issues. If you have any questions, contact us at (919) 787-6668 or visit our forum to ask questions anonymously.
