The process of transitioning from being one half of a couple to being independent again can be difficult. During the divorce process, you will want to begin to create and maintain emotional distance between yourself and your spouse. This does not mean that you need be impolite. On the contrary, you are best served by being as polite as you can be. Part of being polite is having respect for each other’s privacy. This can be a challenge if you are dealing with jealousy or have an irrepressible curiosity about how your spouse is faring, whether there is a third party involved, or what your ex is thinking about you. Focusing on your spouse makes the process of returning to your independence more difficult. If you see yourself exerting much time and energy finding out about and reacting to your spouse’s life, consider getting some help from a friend or counselor to so that you can focus on creating your own independent life. This is your chance to start your new life free of the problems that broke up your last marriage; staying enmeshed in that past will not help you move forward.
The jealousy or anger that can arise during the divorce process can be intense. It is obvious that feelings that turn into violent action constitute domestic violence. What is less obvious is that doing things such as calling your spouse after being told not to—or pursuing contact at home, work, or anywhere else after being told stay away—can be cause for legal action, including your former spouse filing for a harassment restraining order. If you are the victim of such harassment, we will explain your options in our articles on “Domestic Violence.”
On the other hand, if you have thought about clever ways to “get back” at your spouse, you need to think again. Your actions may result in restriction of your rights by means of a restraining order, a significant reduction in the likelihood of successful negotiations with your spouse, and the creation of a hurdle to overcome when it comes to convincing a judge that you are a reasonable person. If you see yourself going down this road, get some help in managing your emotions right away. Anger is an important emotion that doesn’t need to be denied, eliminated, or suppressed. However, it is critical that it be controlled to the point that it does not overtake rational thought and cause harmful behavior. If you don’t get help on your own, you may soon find a judge forcing you to do so. Such a loss of control is something to be avoided if at all possible.
While some have trouble not prying into the former spouse’s life, others have trouble creating a degree of privacy. A woman who has lived for years in a controlling relationship can have great trouble adjusting to the fact that she no longer needs to report to her spouse; she may be overly willing to share details related to the divorce. Some people may feel uncomfortable or guilty keeping secrets from the ex-spouse, or putting their own needs first. This is obviously a dangerous situation when it comes to negotiations. Although emotions and relationship history inevitably play some part in divorce, it is important to approach negotiations in a business-like manner. Be careful about what you share and when. Ideally, if you are the weaker spouse in a controlling relationship, you will engage a lawyer to represent you in your negotiations. This will allow you to politely direct your spouse to talk with your lawyer if he or she presses you for information or attempts to engage you in negotiations outside of meetings where your lawyer is present.
