The first step of your divorce should be considering your goals. Even if divorce is not your choice, you need to think past the immediate pain or anger you may be feeling to help yourself make the best of the situation. Most often, one spouse initiates divorce and the other feels some degree of surprise and shock. Because the initiator decides when to tell the other spouse about the decision, he or she may have developed a plan for life after the divorce. Non-initiating spouses can be at a temporary disadvantage, because they usually come into the process unprepared, sometimes even blindsided. They run the risk of going through the divorce in survival mode, able to focus only on getting through the day or over the next hurdle. They may have no concept of how life will be, or how they want it to be, after divorce.
Going through divorce in survival mode is unlikely to allow you to achieve your best possible outcome or learn much from your experience. Whether you are the person making the decision or have been surprised by your spouse’s decision, you should try to create a realistic picture of your life after divorce. This may be difficult or impossible if you are experiencing depression. If that’s the case, you may need to consider getting some individual therapy, if you aren’t already.
If you are able to create a positive picture of life after divorce, use that to guide you as you move through this transition. As you learn more about the divorce process, you will continually adjust your mental picture to align it with reality. For instance, after you begin to understand your post-divorce finances, you may conclude that you will have to move to a smaller house or change jobs. Regardless, a focus on where you are going will help you maintain control of your situation.
Divorce involves a series of decisions. You are even going to need to decide how you and your spouse will make major decisions. Rather than making each decision independently, try to be proactive and keep your long-term goals in mind to guide you in your decision making; this will make the process easier for you and help you feel in control rather than powerless.
As you envision your life after divorce, ask yourself:
- What type of relationship do you want to have with your former spouse? The way you handle the divorce will affect your future relationship.
- What roles do you want each of you to play in the lives of your children?
- Will you be reentering the workforce?
- Will you be changing to a career that requires more college or professional training?
Everyone has had the experience of making a decision they later regret. Sometimes it’s impossible to know how things will turn out. But sometimes we realize that if we had just done a little more planning beforehand, we might have chosen differently and perhaps achieved better results. This is your time to do that work—to create a vision for the next stage of your life and then make decisions that will help you turn that vision into a reality.
It can be extremely difficult to do long-term planning amid the pain of divorce. You may need to get assistance from a supportive friend or even a therapist as you think through what you need and want for the future. Do what you can to get this long-range perspective. Those who fail to do the planning and are unable to focus on the long term usually have regrets. For instance, if you focus too much on the immediate gratification of getting back at your spouse, you may unwittingly undermine your long-term needs for emotional stability and financial security. If you keep a cool head and plan your future life with carefully thought-out goals, you will be creating the kind of life that you want and deserve for yourself, to the greatest extent you can.
