Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and be miserable or get a divorce and be hap-pier. If people weren’t convinced that divorce would make them happier, fewer marriages would end. Recently though, the conventional wisdom that divorce is a path to happiness has been challenged. One major study found no evidence that, as a group, unhappily married adults who went on to divorce were any happier afterward than unhappily married people who stayed in the marriage. The researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later.
Why doesn’t divorce typically make adults happier? The authors of the study suggest that while divorce can eliminate some stresses and sources of potential harm, it may create others. The many processes and events set in motion by divorce are difficult for the divorcée to control and are likely to deeply affect his or her emotional well-being. Complicating factors may include the response of one’s spouse to divorce; the reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; and new relationships or marriages.
Many couples who stayed married did so despite extended periods of being unhappy in the marriage, often for quite serious reasons. The marriage turnarounds were grouped into three categories. The most common were couples who stubbornly resisted any temptation to split. In many cases, the sources of their conflict—including financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, or even infidelity—faded with the passage of time. A second group actively worked to solve the problems that led to marital unhappiness. The strategies they used ranged from spending more time together to seeking counseling to even threatening divorce. A third group did little to change their marriage but instead found alternative ways to improve their own happiness.
If you are considering divorce, you have to make a personal decision based on the information available to you. By demonstrating how many once-unhappy couples turned things around and regained marital satisfaction, this research highlights the importance of considering the variety of potential long-term outcomes when making major life decisions. Achieving such a long-term view can be difficult if you are presently very unhappy or angry. You may need to take some time or get some counseling to help ensure you do what is right for you, now and in the future.
