We hope you now recognize the many emotions that are likely to arise as a result of your divorce. Our concern is that you recognize and respect what is happening as you go through this transition. Most everyone can remember things they did when they were infatuated or first in love that now seem silly or nonproductive. In hindsight, it is easy to see how our emotions, rather than our rational thinking, were in control. That’s life. If we were completely rational all the time, life would be rather dull.
During divorce, you must take stock of and work to manage your emotions in a way you may never have had to before. If you focus too much on immediate gratification of emotional urges, you may be disserving your long-term goals of emotional stability and financial security. For instance, if you were not the initiator of the divorce, you may be terribly angry and have a powerful urge to punish your spouse for what he or she has done to you. Acting on your anger at your spouse will almost surely reduce the chances for an amicable, cooperative settlement. Worse, a flaring of tensions could precipitate an ugly and unnecessary court battle. Growth can be very hard work; we know this. But you can’t learn from this process if you aren’t willing to do that work.
While in most cases the noninitiator goes into the divorce process feeling angry, the initiator may experience a great deal of guilt. We have seen initiators whose guilt or desire to get things over quickly (possibly in an effort to skip the grieving process) prompted them to make unwise concessions. Some have been willing to provide lifetime alimony, causing themselves a lifelong, and potentially unnecessary, major financial burden.
The transition of divorce can be broken down into many stages, but there are two milestones that are most critical when it comes to working constructively toward an amicable settlement, which, as we will discuss in detail later, is the option that will best serve nearly everyone going through divorce. The first milestone is reached when you have developed enough emotional distance from your spouse to be able to rationally consider your needs and the realistic possibilities available to you with regard to finances and the care of your children. If your thinking about what you want in your divorce agreement is primarily driven by the pain it will cause your spouse or the guilt you are feeling for ending the marriage, negotiations are likely to fail or result in an agreement you will later regret.
The second milestone is a shift in mindset regarding the relationship. While many people adopt a hostile stance at the beginning of divorce, others, particularly those who are surprised by the divorce, have trouble separating themselves enough from the relationship to think of their own best interests. Most people for whom divorce comes as a surprise are at a disadvantage because the initiating spouse has already changed from an “us” to a “me” mindset. Initiating spouses are thinking about their own best interests. The person who is caught off guard has spent years thinking of the couple as “us.” It can be difficult to quickly change gears from an “us” to a “me” kind of mentality in order to make better decisions.
If your spouse initiated the divorce, it may take you some time to believe that it is really happening. You might think your spouse is acting impulsively and will reverse course. Because divorce came suddenly to you, it may seem that it was an impulsive decision by your spouse. In most cases though, the spouse who initiates divorce has planned it for months before revealing the decision. Even while you’re working with a lawyer to draft a divorce agreement, you may still believe that your spouse is just going through a midlife crisis, which will end, soon, with reconciliation. You may think that your decisions don’t really matter because they’re not permanent. It is important to consider how far ahead your spouse may be in making these decisions. He or she is most likely making sound long-term decisions for his or her benefit. You need to do the same.
Just as with negotiating while ruled by anger, negotiating without developing an independent view of yourself and your needs can be dangerous. Rather than thinking of their own needs, people in this situation are prone to make decisions intended to placate their spouses, expecting them to “snap out of it” and come back. If you feel willing to offer anything in order to save the marriage and return whatever comfort you previously had, you may be in the bargaining stage of the grieving process. Both parties need to be careful about promises or arrangements made under these circumstances, as they may be unrealistic and eventually result in more suffering for one or both of you.
If you have significant assets, substantially different incomes, or children, the financial decisions you and your spouse make during divorce may be the most important of your lives. They can have major short-term and long-term impacts. It is important that anyone making these decisions be as prepared as possible. To improve the chances of settlement, each spouse needs to get far enough through the initial emotional upheaval of divorce, before beginning negotiations, to work constructively with the other party. At the same time, you need to have made enough of an identity adjustment—from being part of a married couple to being an independent person—that you can clearly identify your own needs.
It is in the best interests of each spouse to give the other the time necessary to reach the emotional milestones we have highlighted here before negotiations begin. It may be impractical to wait until understanding and acceptance occur, but divorcing partners need to be past anger, not be mired in depression, and able to consider their own best interests. Sometimes, though, one spouse, or the respective lawyer, fails to understand the importance of waiting for the timing to be right before moving forward with the legal and financial aspects of divorce. When this happens, it may be necessary for a lawyer representing the spouse who needs more time to step in and use legal procedures to slow things down. In cases in which we see spouses having trouble making these shifts, we try to slow things down and often recommend that our client use the time to get therapy to accelerate their emotional preparation for negotiations.
