Marriage counselors certainly wish people would talk to them before they ever contemplate divorce. Even though you and your spouse may have missed that opportunity, a counselor may still be able to help. In this section, we will use the words counseling and therapy interchangeably. In the next section, we will discuss some of the various titles you may run across when looking for counseling.
Marriage counseling is usually a short-term therapy that may, in only a few sessions, help you work out problems in your relationship. Marriage counseling helps couples learn to deal more effectively with problems, and can help prevent small problems from becoming serious. On average, couples work with marital therapists for twelve sessions. There is usually a connection between the relationship problems and the symptoms experienced by one spouse. For example, if you are constantly arguing with your spouse, you will probably also be chronically anxious, angry, or depressed, or all of these things. If you have difficulty controlling your temper, you’re likely to have more arguments with your partner. A great thing about marriage counseling is that, when effective, it improves not only the relation-ship but also a person’s physical and mental health.
Sometimes marriage counseling is very similar to individual psychotherapy, though sometimes it is more like mediation, and some-times it is educational. A combination of approaches can improve the effectiveness of counseling, which therapists are always hoping to do. Some therapists even base their sessions on Dr. John Gottman’s principles for a successful marriage, such as building fondness, admiration, and closeness, as a means of altering the behaviors that can later lead to divorce.
Because change can be very hard work, the recommendations provided by a therapist during counseling are likely to create some discomfort in both spouses. In order to give the counseling a serious chance to make the difference you are seeking, both spouses should commit to attending for a specific number of sessions, typically be-tween six and twelve. You should also agree that during the time period in which you are working on improving your relationship, neither of you will do things to harm the marriage, such as moving out, with-drawing or spending large amounts of money, or having relations with a third party.
Therapists have different approaches to their work. About two-thirds of therapists believe that they should remain neutral regarding whether you stay married. They might help you create a sort of cost-benefit analysis about the marriage and whether it should be saved. Others have the mindset that, except where there’s abuse and danger, they should try to support the possibility that you can salvage your marriage. This type of therapist will advocate staying together. Of course, they realize that they may be unsuccessful in their efforts, but these therapists view saving the marriage as their goal.
It’s our belief that the work of improving and maintaining your relationship with your spouse is a life-long process best accomplished by focusing on your relationship regularly. Although it will require ongoing planning and commitment, this time with your spouse will help you avoid sliding backward and can provide great rewards.
