Once it becomes clear that you and your spouse will divorce, you begin a new phase of your relationship. If you have minor children, this new relationship will be a long-lasting one in which you will need to work together to parent your kids. If no children are involved, you and your spouse will need a relationship that at least allows you to work together to resolve the issues of your divorce without getting into an expensive courtroom fight. The keys to building this new relationship are sensitivity and open communication.
We discussed earlier the emotions that people often feel as they go through the divorce transition. It is most often the case that you and your spouse will be at different stages in grieving over the loss of the relationship. One of you may have already begun to build a new identity as a single person while the other may still be dealing with anger, depression, or guilt.
During the divorce, you will both need to be sensitive and aware of the stage you and your spouse are at in the transition. If your spouse is still dealing with the intense emotions usually experienced in the early stages of divorce, it will be best for you both if you proceed slowly, even if you are feeling anxious to move on. Pushing a person in this state, or being pushed when you are feeling vulnerable, is likely to result in defensive action that is likely to work against both of your long-term goals.
Being aware of your spouse’s emotional state is different from trying to improve his or her state of mind. While you have likely depended on each other for emotional support during the marriage, it is no longer your responsibility to satisfy your spouse’s emotional needs. Of course, if both of you choose to, you’re perfectly welcome to continue such interdependency. However, doing so could delay the process of personal growth for one or both of you and might create a burden on one of you. It is probably better for you both if you work to develop independence and other sources of support.
Unlike in your courtship, when emotion likely ruled the day, a successful divorce, along with a successful post-divorce relationship, requires the triumph of logic over emotion. You will want to evaluate each of your actions during the divorce process to consider whether what you are about to do furthers your goals for your divorce or is a purely emotional action or response that gets you nowhere, or even makes things worse.
The types of actions that can be highly destructive to the comity required for negotiations include limiting access to shared assets. We wrote earlier about protecting yourself financially during separation. There are many reasonable steps that should be taken such as closing or freezing joint credit and checking accounts. However, even if you may intend it purely as a protective measure, an unannounced removal of access to assets will almost inevitably lead your spouse to conclude that the action was taken with the intent to cause hurt. Your now-wounded ex is then are likely to react to this perceived attack in a way that might complicate your situation. The bottom line is that you should take protective actions, but you should communicate with your spouse as much as possible to avoid him or her finding out that the credit card is no longer good at the checkout counter.
If communications between you and your spouse broke down as your marriage came to an end, you will want to work to reopen dialogue. This may mean that you simply need to listen without fighting back as your spouse vents anger at the situation. Your goal should be to get past this stage so you can reestablish rapport. Doing so can save you both a great deal in the divorce process. Some couples find that once they move out of the roles of husband and wife, they are able to enjoy a better relationship than they had during the marriage.
