Divorce creates significant new challenges for you as a parent. In many divorces, our legal system unhelpfully pushes parents into adversarial roles at a time when they need to work together to parent their children. We provide a great deal of information about how to best arrange for the long-term care of your children in our articles on child custody and child support. Here we will focus on the things you need to consider as you begin the divorce process. Most of the behaviors we encourage you to adopt will also be important to continue even after the divorce is final. Ultimately, as we have said before, if you can step back from some of the tangled emotions of the divorce itself and make decisions as neutrally as possible, you will find that you are a better parent—and a healthier person—in the long run.
During the divorce process, you will need to speak regularly to your spouse about your children. If you have agreed to share custody you will need to, at a minimum, arrange for pickups/drop-offs and exceptions. It is important that both of you regard these conversations more as business meetings than opportunities to rehash the problems that led to your divorce. Parenting conversations are not the time to blame your spouse for what has happened. Do your best to take responsibility for your own feelings. The same rules apply when delivering or collecting your children. This time is likely to be awkward for everyone. Don’t make it worse by discussing touchy issues or rebuking your spouse if he or she is late, if the kids are a mess, or if they haven’t eaten the way you think they should. You can address these types of issues at a later time without involving the kids.
As you begin to co-parent during your divorce there are a number of issues you will need to work through. Expect to make some mistakes as you learn the ropes, and be careful not to expect your spouse to be perfect right off the bat.
One mistake too many parents make is criticizing their spouse in front of the children. It may seem obvious that this is a bad idea, but divorcing parents, often feeling intense betrayal and hurt, can denigrate their spouse in subtle ways without even realizing it. For example, a parent is late for visitation exchange and the other parent mumbles, “Typical behavior.” A child wonders, “Typical of what?” You have for years trained your child to hear and respond to the tone of your voice. So, yes, they hear the tone. Don’t fool yourself. Remember, your child is a product of both of you. When you criticize the other parent, you are potentially criticizing part of the child. This is, of course, something no parent would intentionally try to do. You want your child to have the confidence and self-esteem to enter adulthood successfully. Choices you make now, even in the heat of the moment, can influence your child’s success later. Take a deep breath and wait to make the comment until your child is safely out of range.
Parents going through a divorce often put their children in the middle in inappropriate ways, even sometimes using them as go-betweens and spies. Both of these actions only lead to problems. Your children do not need the extra burden of being responsible for communicating your expectations about bed time or drop off to your spouse. They also do not need to be put in the awkward position of possibly betraying one parent when being pumped for information by the other. You not only want to avoid using your children as your mouthpiece or spy, but you also need to avoid encouraging them to keep secrets from your spouse. This behavior puts kids in the difficult position of having to lie to or betray one or both parents.
Some parents use their children as pawns during divorce. They feel that by denying access to the children they will somehow be able to get even with a spouse. Unless there is abuse involved, cutting off or excessively limiting your spouse’s access to the children is likely to work against you. It is very rare that a parent will not be given access to children if the matter is taken to court, and your cutting off access now could lead your spouse to escalate things legally. This may introduce a judge into the equation, which can greatly decrease your degree of control over what happens to your children.
All parents fear that they will lose their children through the divorce. Sometimes parents fight for months over the term “joint custody,” mainly out of this fear of loss. You are not responsible for the feelings of your spouse, but remember that life will be much easier for you if your spouse is not fighting you at every turn in your child’s life. Make the way easier for yourself. Tell your spouse everything and anything about the children. If you are at the stage when you can’t bear the thought of talking to your spouse again, use carefully worded e-mails. If you think your spouse doesn’t care or doesn’t want to know, do it anyway. At a minimum you get extra credit points later if you have to go to court. And your child might find out that his/her parents are proud enough of his/her achievements to talk about them.
Most parents are surprised when their children resist going to the other parent’s household. But it happens, especially in the beginning and often even under the best of circumstances. Why does it happen? Good question. Maybe your child is expressing some of the anxiety and discomfort that everyone in the family is feeling about the changes. Maybe your child wants to continue playing on the Sony PlayStation and doesn’t like the interruption. Either way, it would behoove both you and your spouse to help your child as much as possible during this time. Talk with your child and problem solve together. Is he getting hungry? Does he hate the drive? Encourage your child and remind him or her of the enjoyable things he or she will get to do. Repress your own anxiety and resentment about the custodial situation. This new life is your child’s life now. Remind yourself that regardless of the circumstances, you do want your child to be happy in this new life.
When you were married and living together, you knew that your children got different things from each parent. Maybe one parent was better at nurturing while another was better at encouraging the kids to take risks. Maybe one parent handled the math homework better than the spelling. Either way, remember that your child can still benefit from these differences. There was something that attracted you to your spouse long ago. Remember that somewhere, deep down, those positive qualities might still exist in your spouse, and your child can learn from them to hopefully grow into a loving, confident adult.
Finally, parents in divorce need to be careful to not rely on their children for emotional support. Many kids are eager to do whatever they can to help a parent going through a period of depression. They can also be easy allies when adults are venting anger. Children are dealing with many adjustments during the divorce process. You and your spouse need to avoid putting additional burdens on them. Even though children may appear quite mature, it is rarely appropriate or helpful for them to become an adult’s support system. Children in divorce need to be on the receiving end of emotional support from you, not the other way around.
