Many people start off on the wrong foot emotionally in divorce. They try to deny their grief and act as if everything is fine. They may dive into many new activities, start another relationship right away, or use drugs or alcohol to avoid dealing with their pain. These coping strategies can lead to trouble. You need to allow yourself to experience your grief fully in order to progress through it. Crying is a natural way to deal with the intense emotions you’re likely feeling. If you have children, get some help to care for them so you can have time alone to express your sadness without feeling that you need to be stoic.
Regardless of how gracefully you do or don’t accept the initial realization that your marriage is over, you will still have to work through all the stages of coping with your new reality. The question is how you are going to get to each of those emotional milestones. For some people, time will be an adequate healer. These folks can progress through the stages of divorce at a pace that allows them to deal with the legal and financial aspects as and when necessary. For others, any numbers of motivations (anger, a spouse’s desire to move forward quickly, a need for certainty, the desire to remarry) may make it necessary to accelerate the process of getting emotionally ready for negotiations.
As you go through divorce, you will need the help of others. You may feel that you can go it alone, and you might very well be able to—but ask yourself why you would want to. Divorce isn’t a contest. Your goal should be to make an emotional transition that causes as little pain for yourself and others as possible. Reaching out for help, or simply accepting it when it is offered, will yield the best results. One of the life lessons that sometimes comes from a divorce is the recognition that we all need a community of friends to rely on in tough times.
We mentioned earlier that friends may feel awkward once they know about the divorce. Some will feel they need to choose sides, perhaps because of who they knew first. Others will not be sure what to say when you see them. You may need to reach out and begin the discourse. Ideally, you want to identify the family members and friends you can rely on as part of your emotional support system. Those who will help you most are those who listen well. Someone who reinforces your anger or plays devil’s advocate will drain your energy rather than helping you heal and move on.
If you don’t feel you have a supportive listener among your friends and family, you may need to find a support group that can help. These days, there are support groups for people experiencing every kind of difficulty in life, including divorce. In our state, most of these groups meet in churches but are nondenominational. You can probably find groups where you are with a quick Internet search.
People going through a divorce can easily get stuck in an emotional rut. The usual routine can be tiring, depressing, or just uninspiring. If you feel that you aren’t making progress toward reaching the emotional milestones we discussed, try to break out of your normal routine. You may need to stop thinking about your divorce for a while in order to gain some perspective and find some peace. Set your sights on the future by getting involved in an activity that will inspire you and help you see that there is more to life than what you are experiencing right now. Here are some ideas:
- Take a class in a field you have always been interested in.
- Try a new hobby.
- Read an uplifting book.
- Take a short vacation.
- Volunteer for a cause or organization that will make you feel great for helping.
- Explore your spiritual side.
- Go for a walk in nature.
We are also huge fans of regular exercise. The mind-body connection is well documented. Feeling good physically leads to feeling good mentally. During long runs, bike rides, and swims, your mind has time to process all that is happening in your life and help you put it in perspective. The best way we’ve found to get people exercising is to get them to sign up for some type of race. You don’t have to win a race to benefit. Just having a goal, training for it, and accomplishing it can greatly improve your sense of well-being and improve your self-esteem. You are also likely to get outside and meet people who are in good spirits.
From lifestyle columnists, you may read the advice to jump back in the relationship game soon after breaking up. We, and most other experts, recommend avoiding new relationships for a year or more. If you are already seeing someone or do get involved with a new person, do your best to keep the relationship from becoming too serious. Many people, especially men, marry within a year or two of divorce. These marriages have a very high divorce rate, primarily because not enough effort was put into learning from the mistakes of the first marriage. It’s best to avoid compounding your pain.
