Marriages do not die suddenly. It is most common for one spouse to consider divorce, possibly talk to a lawyer, and then make a final decision before the other spouse. The initiator has choices regarding how to tell the other spouse of the decision. The way you handle telling your spouse what you’ve decided can have a tremendous effect on the whether your divorce process goes smoothly.
In one particularly ugly but all too common scenario, one spouse has committed adultery and the other spouse (either intentionally or unintentionally) finds out. Of course, when this happens, the divorce process begins with the noninitiator being surprised and angry. Although it is usually the case that both parties played a role in the disintegration of the marriage, ending a marriage this way is likely to make the noninitiator feel like a victim who has been wronged and is due some form of compensation. If he or she does assume the victim role, it is almost certain that negotiations will fail. The initiator may, at first, attempt to appease the spouse’s demands but will likely eventually become angry and fight back, causing things to escalate rather than move toward settlement. All in all, it’s a bad situation that just keeps getting worse.
Ideally, you and your spouse will both agree that your marriage should end. If you can reach a mutual decision, your chances of settling the major issues outside of court are greatly increased. Although it is most comfortable to get everything in order before telling your spouse that the marriage is over, it is really best to involve your spouse as soon as possible in order to increase the likelihood that the decision will be mutual.
When talking to your spouse about your feelings or your decision, you will want to calmly review the problems in your marriage that make you feel that divorce is necessary. If you have already taken actions to head off divorce, review those efforts with your spouse. Let him or her know why you feel things are not working out.
To avoid escalating the conversation into a fight, you will want to avoid blaming your spouse. A traditional approach to communicating about a problem without accusing the other person of being the cause is to use “‘I’ statements.” With these, you refer to how something that is happening makes you feel, such as by saying, “I feel disappointed that we don’t spend evenings together like we used to.” This is a much softer way to communicate this thought than the more blameful, “You never come home on time and you never call to warn me.” You may be angry in the short term, but your long-term interests will be best served by keeping this conversation from exploding.
Shock, denial, and anger are all feelings that are experienced by a noninitiator during the initial upheaval of a divorce they were not expecting. These emotions can make your first conversations very difficult. The first time you broach the issue will probably be the most difficult. If your spouse is overwhelmed, try taking a break to let calmer heads prevail before continuing the conversation. You may find that you need to talk to your spouse about your intention to divorce several times before he or she begins to understand and accept that you are serious and have made up your mind.
