It is important to recognize that divorce is one of the most stressful life events you will experience. Researchers have found that it ranks second only to the death of a spouse.[i] Even going to jail is less stressful than divorce. Approximately 85 percent of divorce decisions are nonmutual–that is, one spouse makes the decision to initiate the divorce. That spouse has had time to begin to adapt to the reality of the impending separation. The initiator is able to control when and how to tell the other spouse about the decision to divorce. Many people are stunned when a spouse announces that the marriage is over, and this shock only makes the potential stress that much worse. Having had time to adjust to the idea of divorce, the initiator is often shocked by the intense reaction of the surprised spouse.
The emotions of divorce are varied, have many causes, and are likely to be confusing, if not completely overwhelming. In the typical case of nonmutual divorce, the initiator is likely to feel frustration, disappointment, and sadness over the perceived failure to achieve the life-long satisfaction once expected from the relationship. If you are the one initiating the divorce, you may also feel guilty that you could not make your marriage work, even though the primary responsibility for the marital problems may not, in fact, belong to you. The feelings of guilt may arise internally or as a result of the comments and actions of your spouse. A spouse who is surprised can react in unexpected ways.
Anger is the emotion most frequently associated with the noninitiating spouse. If you are in this situation and your spouse has had an affair, you are likely to also experience jealousy. Your self-esteem can be seriously wounded, leading to feelings of helplessness and a desire to get back at your spouse. All the while, you too are experiencing the overall sadness of realizing that the dreams and hopes you had for the future must be adjusted. In general, the person who is left behind is more likely to have difficulty with the transition.
Once the initial shock subsides, both spouses usually face stress in adjusting to new routines. A parent who once had support with child care must learn to manage the increased demands of performing household duties without help on most days. This parent may have to do so while transitioning into a new career or school in order to ultimately meet the new financial needs that divorce brings. The spouse who has left the marital residence often deals with loneliness and social isolation. He or she may miss the structure of home life, feeling lost or unconnected to the world.
There are also external sources of stress occurring during separation and divorce. Friends and extended family members may work to influence your decision making. They may attempt to change your mind about your marriage, or they may reinforce any resentment you are feeling toward your spouse. Friends may feel they need to choose sides, perhaps due to pressure from you or your spouse. If that happens and you are not the one who is chosen, you may feel an even greater sense of loss and loneliness. It is also common for joint friends to feel awkward about the situation and become less available at a time when their support might be most valuable.
Anxiety is a normal response to the stress of divorce. One trigger for anxiety in divorce is the fear relating to the ambiguous economic future many people must deal with until their divorce agreement is complete. Indeed, both you and your spouse may have a diminished standard of living for an indefinite period of time, making it necessary to adjust to that new reality. Another significant trigger for anxiety is the fear parents have about how their children will handle the divorce and what arrangements will ultimately be made for their care.
[i] Thomas H. Holmes and Richard H. Rahe, “The Social Readjustment Rating Scale,” Journal of Psychosomatic Research 11 no. 2 (1967): 213-18.
