Sometimes couples facing serious marital discord consider separating on a trial basis. Trial separations can give each spouse, particularly the one who wants the divorce, a chance to experience how life might be after divorce. The separation can also be used to reduce the intensity of conflict between the spouses so they can work with a counselor and then decide whether to reconcile or divorce.
Trial separation seems like a reasonable idea in theory, but in practice, we rarely see couples get back together after they separate. It’s possible that this approach works better than we think, because people may separate and reconcile without ever seeing a lawyer. We don’t think that’s the case, though, because trial separation has two significant downsides. First, one party in the separation may enjoy being alone during the short time the separation lasts. The conflict reduction may overpower any sense of loneliness that comes with time. Second, while couples who are having trouble face great challenges improving their relationship while living together, if they separate, the work can become even harder. Once separated, you might only see your spouse at counseling. That doesn’t allow you to apply the lessons learned at counseling in between the sessions. It be-comes difficult, even impossible, to learn a new way of successfully interacting on a daily basis.
Sometimes lawyers will suggest trial separation as a strategy to get a reluctant spouse to move forward with the divorce process. The leaving spouse may suggest that the separation is only a trial separation when this is not that spouse’s true intent. We have mixed feelings about this practice. Trial separation may be a less harsh way to introduce divorce to a spouse having difficulty handling the full impact of divorce at one time. Even so, we generally believe that being honest at the beginning of the divorce is important in maintaining the credibility that will be required during the negotiations to come.
If you do begin a trial separation, try to come to an agreement with your spouse beforehand. Generally, if you both agree to the separation, you will not be getting into complicated legal territory. Regardless, you need to consider, and ideally put in writing, what property and cars will go with the person who is leaving, whom the children will stay with and how will they be cared for, and how bills will be paid. Beyond these issues make sure you are clear about access to the marital home. Will a knock before entry be sufficient? What if nobody is home? Finally, try to agree on how you will communicate the separation to children and friends.
A trial separation generally refers to a situation in which both spouses agree to the separation. If you and your spouse are not in agreement and you wish to leave, you should consult an attorney for help in ensuring that your rights are protected.
