To get an attorney or not – for many who are dealing with divorce and separation, that is the question. And considering all the horror stories, it’s a pretty fair thing to ask.
Ted’s* reaction is typical. “Honestly? As bad as things were in my marriage, and as much as I knew I needed to resolve things, even at that point I would have rather gotten a root canal without Novocaine than go see a lawyer.”
A lawyer who doesn’t listen to you, or botches your case, will make you feel a whole lot worse than when you started. Maybe that’s why lawyers have gotten such a bad rap.
Who’s in your corner?
Not all lawyers are going to create problems. According to Lee Rosen, head of Rosen Divorce, “The reality for most people is that when they meet with an attorney, they feel better––if only because they help confirm your own thoughts about what’s happening and where the process is headed.”
Ted’s a good example. “I was in pretty bad shape,” he admits. “You spend so much time questioning yourself, wondering why things went wrong, basically living inside your own head. It was such a relief to finally meet with someone who understood what I was going through, and could offer something besides sympathy.”
Rosen raises another very important reason to take this step. “In a very real way, an attorney can help keep your ignorance of the law from causing you a lot of unnecessary pain.”
What happens, he points out, if you never talk to an attorney about your spouse’s settlement proposal, or never have settlement papers reviewed by someone who’s an advocate for your interests? His answer? “Good question; you’ll have absolutely no idea what you’re missing – or what you’re losing out on.”
Trudy, for one, was actually saved by the bell. “I was playing phone tag with a lawyer; I had met with her and liked her a lot, but we hadn’t been able to schedule another meeting.”
“I was so beaten down emotionally at that point I was ready just to sign whatever papers my husband’s lawyer sent me. Literally – I mean, I had the pen in my hand when the lawyer called me back. She saved me from basically giving away my house. It’s scary to think how close I came to doing something really, really stupid.”
Even if you still trust your spouse, this is no time to be foolhardy. You might be entitled to things you’re not even aware of. Or, Rosen says, “your spouse may be talking to an attorney without your knowing about it, so the playing field may not be as level as you think.”
His experience teaches that you can’t assume a spouse’s good intentions just because he or she says an offer is fair and equitable. As Sally puts it, “You know all those jokes about lawyers being lying, thieving low-lifes? Well, even if every word is true, they’ve got nothing on a vindictive ex.”
A few ground rules.
So, shark jokes aside, the right lawyer can make a real difference in how you feel, and have a huge impact on how things ultimately turn out. The key is figuring out who that right lawyer is.
“My husband was always the one who did the research,” remembers Sally. “He loved to compare things and find the best deal. He could take months to pick a vacuum cleaner. And I never paid much attention.”
When she realized she needed a divorce lawyer, however, Sally discovered something. “I was a pretty good researcher myself. And despite the circumstances, I kind of enjoyed it – it felt good to be the one in charge.” And after meeting with a half dozen attorneys, Sally found one who was perfect for her.
She recognized immediately something that Rosen tells everyone who comes to his office: “This is a major decision with long-term implications; you don’t necessarily want to hire the first attorney you meet.”
Rosen finds it’s often helpful to mention the obvious, if only to help people focus on what’s ahead. “You’ll want to select someone with qualities you admire: honesty, for instance, or loyalty. Determination. Even,” he adds, “a good sense of humor (some days the one thing you’ll need most is a good laugh).”
As Ted learned, it’s invaluable to work with someone who’s able to provide some structure to the process. “She helped me take all the stuff floating around in my head and get it organized. I could step back a little bit and be more rational, break it down into manageable parts.”
Finances are always a consideration. “Inevitably,” Rosen says, “some attorneys will be beyond your means. But that’s no excuse for going it alone if you don’t absolutely have to.” If you choose wisely, you should be able to navigate the treacherous emotional waters of separation and divorce with relative ease.
Act now.
Along with an understandable amount of fear and denial, many people put off the whole process of finding a lawyer because they don’t know how to do it. They have too few choices, or too many. They don’t know who to trust. They don’t really know what’s “right” in their particular circumstance. “At first, I felt like I was going from the frying pan right into the fire,” admits Sally.
Rosen’s heard it all before. And from his point of view, they’re poor excuses, one and all.
You’ve dealt with questions like this over and over again. ‘Have I picked the right baby-sitter?’ ‘Is this the right dentist?’ ‘Where should I buy groceries?’ And you’ve managed to come up with answers every time––using common sense, referrals, reputation, gut instinct or the bottom line. Choosing an attorney isn’t really much different.”
So Rosen’s advice is to first think about your priorities. Then decide how to gather information. Then make your choice, based on what’s important to you: reputation, trustworthiness, good rapport, an understanding of your needs––whatever feels right.
“The truth is, you could spend an entire lifetime looking for ‘Counselor Right,’ but all it really takes is a careful, reasonable effort to locate an attorney you’re comfortable with.”
Doing your homework.
Gathering information isn’t as difficult as you might think. Rosen says an easy place to start is with people you trust and respect–– friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers. Get names of lawyers, and of other people who might be able to suggest names. Mental health professionals and clergy may have considerable input to share.
“People who’ve actually been through separation and divorce can be your most valuable resources,” according to Rosen. “They’ll certainly have opinions about their own lawyers and opposing counsel.” You might also talk to other lawyers you know about a particular attorney’s reputation.
Trudy, for one, “was amazed at how many people were willing to offer good advice. Here I was thinking I was doing something shameful, walking around with a Scarlet ‘D’ on me or something. But really, so many people have gone through this already. They’ve got a lot to share; a lot of useful information, and just the unspoken message that I wasn’t in this alone.”
Take a meeting.
Now comes what Rosen sees as the most important part of the whole process: meeting with some attorneys.
“No matter how strongly a particular lawyer has been recommended to you, this is a highly personal decision. No one else should make it for you.” This is, after all, the person who’s going to be safeguarding your rights during a time of great emotional upheaval.
“And,” Rosen adds, “this is the person who’s job it is to structure a settlement as favorably as possible, and to advise you on highly technical legal matters.” Your sense of who the lawyer is as a person will be extremely important in predicting how much attention and care he or she will give to your case.
What do you want to know?
Often, most lawyers say, your first contact will be by phone. And sometimes, that conversation alone will tell you whether you want to bother with a face-to-face encounter.
Aaron found the phone to be a great tool. “I’m on the phone all the time for business anyway, so it was very natural to conduct some ‘voice-based’ interviews. I could have my checklist, so I made sure I asked everyone the same things. I could eliminate people with logistical issues or practical issues right off the bat, and talk in some more depth to the rest. At that point, I could get a feel for how well we were matched.”
When you schedule an initial meeting, think about it like a job interview––and you’re the one doing the hiring. Rosen says you should “plan to ask some specific questions so you can get a sense of whether the attorney understands your needs, and has the skills and resources to address them.”
Ask yourself some specific questions, too. For instance, does the lawyer strike you as a person you’ll feel confident about? Who’ll zealously act in your best interests? Who’ll reach a resolution of your case efficiently and sensitively? No? Then move on.
Most professionals agree there are some signs to watch out for. If you don’t get a good personal feeling, or you think the lawyer wasn’t focused on your questions and concerns, keep looking. And by all means, if the lawyer appears disorganized, or not very knowledgeable, or you can’t follow most of what he or she is telling you, continue the search.
Trust your gut.
Rosen has a simple rule. “First impressions are often lasting impressions. Trust them.” If you’re uncomfortable with what a lawyer says or how he or she acts during an initial meeting, you’re not likely to grow any fonder over time.
Ted still laughs about some of what he saw. “I can’t remember where I got the names of some of these people, but it was like stuff out of a movie. One guy had a desk that was covered––completely covered––with manila folders, about a foot high, papers falling out all over the place, piles on the floor.”
“The guy runs in all breathless, about 15 minutes late, apologizing all the way; then BOOM––he trips over one of these piles of folders, and winds up spread out across his chair like he’s trying to fly or something. That was pretty much the end of that interview. I figured there was no way this guy would be organized enough to handle my case, or have the time to do it well. Besides, if his other clients’ documents were out in the open for all the world to see, wouldn’t mine be too?”
Sally had a very different, but equally unsettling, experience. “It was kind of weird, actually. I walk into this small office, and it’s pristine, like something out of an office supply catalog. There’s nothing on her desk other than a phone and an empty ‘In’ box. There was definitely not much work of any kind going on in that room. I got the feeling that if I had thrown open the door 30 seconds earlier, she would have been sitting there with her feet up on her desk, twiddling her thumbs or doing a crossword puzzle. As it was, she seemed so desperate for something to do I got the creeps. She seemed worse off than I was.”
The money thing.
Rosen is very clear that financial issues should be dealt with up front. “You’d look for any professional to bring up the issue of cost,” he says. “During an initial meeting, you should expect to get an explanation of billing and collection policies.” Is there an hourly rate or flat fee? Are there separate rates for different people in the firm, or different types of work? Do you have to pay in advance? Is a deposit refundable? Will they tell you what you’re paying for?
Questions about fees can get ugly if they’re not cleared up early. Don’t settle for vague answers. Rosen says that “a really experienced lawyer should be able to tell you exactly how much it will cost to handle your case; every lawyer should be willing to tell you as much as he or she can about fees.”
In fact, to eliminate surprises Rosen’s firm provides a guaranteed fee quote after an initial consultation. You can get a feel for what it might cost by checking out the fee calculator.
* All names have been changed
