This article was written by divorce attorney Lisa Robinson as part of her series on celebrity divorce and separation issues.
We talk with many people who are just considering separation and divorce. Not everyone who has a consultation with us ends up separating from his or her spouse. We do have clients who hire us but reconcile with their spouse. And as far we know, they may live happily ever after, and yet, some do return to hire us for their divorce.
There is the phrase “trial separation”. Some couples need some time apart. With the time apart, some couples may find that they can work things out and revive their marriage. Family therapists note that familiarity, comfort, and forgiveness help some couples stay together. The remedies may include attending couples therapy and working hard on their commitment. One can’t just “wish” for a better marriage.
Just as some of our clients may decide to stay their spouses, we see this happen with reality tv couples as well. Some famous couples very publicly plan a vow renewal after a rough patch of infidelity, financial woes, or disagreements. But beware, there does seem to be a bit of a wedding vow renewal curse.
What is the Vow Renewal Curse?
Let’s look at some queens from the world of Real Housewives. Real Housewives of Orange County star Vickie Gunvalson, an original housewife featured in ten consecutive seasons, and her second husband Donn had a beautiful beach vow renewal on their wedding anniversary. Vicki planned the surprise – a Turks and Caicos beach ceremony – and she declared that she wanted to recommit to her husband on their 15th wedding anniversary. But not even a year later, Vicki filed for divorce. Vicki, a self-proclaimed OG, was the first housewife to have a vow renewal, and this was also unfortunately the start of a somewhat unsuccessful trend.
Another housewife from Orange County, Shannon Beador, had a vow renewal with her husband, David. This vow renewal has to be a new start – David had been caught cheating. He threw the “surprise” ceremony at the same location where the couple had gotten engaged and married. The ceremony also coincided with Shannon’s birthday. But, two years later, they split and ended their 17-year marriage.
The vow renewal curse is not just contained to the West Coast. The Atlanta Housewives have followed this trend as well. Model/Actress Cynthia Bailey and her husband Peter Thomas married on screen in 2010. That wedding, although chaotic, was sleek and fashionable; the bride wore silver, and the ceremony was held in an Atlanta museum. Two years later, Peter surprised Cynthia with a beach ceremony in Anguilla with just a dozen or so guests (who just happened to be fellow housewives, Nene, Porschia, Phaedra and Kandi). Cynthia was told she was going to a “white party”, but actually the destination was the intimate beach vow renewal and ceremony. The divorce came just a few years later.
The over-the-top wedding of Atlanta Housewife Kim Zolciak to Pro footballer Kroy Bierman showcased what can be done with $1 million dollars and a backyard ceremony. Their nuptials were the focus of the Bravo mini-series, Don’t Be Tardy to the Wedding. As if this over-the-top wedding wasn’t enough, this pair had a vow renewal 6 years later. The couple followed the trend of a beach ceremony, with their 6 children all in attendance. Pictures of that ceremony showed what a beautiful ceremony and setting it was. Just like a fairy tale. However, their financial woes, gambling addictions, marital fights, custody battles, and domestic violence calls have played out for years in Georgia courtrooms, press reports, and social media formats. Another example of how it takes more than a vow renewal to make a marriage work.
Why do Vow Renewals Seem to Have the Opposite Effect?
Back to the real world: the vow renewal curse doesn’t just impact celebrities. We see clients experiencing similar timelines for coming into our office despite having just recently renewed their vows. Why does this seem to be the case?
Well, context matters. In the examples listed above, the renewals often aren’t just spur of the moment. They are in response to an issue in the marriage. Infidelity, financial issues, and addiction are three of the biggest reasons we see for couples wishing to end their marriage. A vow renewal is not a remedy for those.
This is the case for many marriages between non-celebrities as well. It’s one thing to hold a vow renewal to celebrate a milestone anniversary of a successful marriage. It’s another to try to use a vow renewal as a bandage to past marital problems. If you want your marriage to survive, you need to fix these issues, not try to start over without resolving them.
We work with each client, advising and sharing what we think should be the next steps for separation or reconciliation. Our advice is tailored for each client, but one thing we can share with every potential reconciling party is this: skip the vow renewal. If you want to commemorate the strength of your marriage, prove that it’s strong to begin with.
If your find yourself suffering from the vow renewal curse or are wondering what your options are in your marriage (reconciliation, separation, etc), contact us or call us at 919-787-6668.
