Chances are if you are reading this article, you may believe that you are married to a narcissist, a person with the classified mental disorder Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD. Your spouse may have been diagnosed by a mental health professional or you’ve come to this conclusion based on their lack of desire to see a therapist and their extremely selfish, inconsiderate, vain, and self-centered ways. Learning how to deal with a narcissist is not easy. Often, narcissists do not have long term friends. They can turn every conversation into a self-centered lecture. They can be charming, but they also consider themselves incapable of doing anything wrong. They are attention seekers and love to take control of all conversations.
However, something about them drew you to them in the first place. Maybe you do even love them dearly, just not the behavior that occasionally comes up for those with NPD. Not everyone with NPD is an abusive person but due to the condition, the tendency for partners to feel neglected in their relationships with them are quite high. Whether you are concerned about the stability of your relationship and looking for ways to improve it or questioning if it’s time to move on, here are some musts for those of us who are living with a narcissist if you want to maintain your own sanity.
How to Deal With a Narcissist
How can you cope? What can you do? If you’re living with them already, it becomes significantly harder. At the end of the day, though we can’t always change the people we surround ourselves with, we can change how we deal with things ourselves. Whether it’s setting boundaries or changing our own mindsets, let’s consider some of the ways you can deal with your spouse.
Realize that NPD is a disorder
While the term “narcissist” is thrown around readily to describe selfish behavior much in the same way that the term “ADD” is sometimes used to describe distracted behavior, it is in fact a clinical diagnosis. If your spouse truly is living with NPD, there is not a medication they can take; there is no quick cure, and for some, there is none at all. If you want to stay married, you must accept your spouse as he or she is. You are not going to change your spouse, but you can change how you react to him or her.
This is not ideal for many people and you should think deeply about this before deciding if you want to continue to live with someone like this. There is no shame in deciding you cannot work together with someone who behaves this way. However, if you love them exactly as they are and you believe you can live your life beside them without creating a detriment to yourself, then you should feel empowered to do so.
Give your spouse praise
Narcissists require regular praise, so give it freely. Remember – they NEED constant validation. Even though we may think of narcissists as conceited persons, they suffer from very low self-esteem and typically act high and mighty as a way to raise themselves up. Focus on encouraging their good qualities that benefit you and others rather than scolding or challenging their bad ones. Some behavior may be so unacceptable to you that you feel the need to stand up to them, but don’t be surprised when they get defensive and try to shut you down entirely instead of hearing you out. This may feel counterintuitive, but focusing on the positives will keep their minds on those behaviors rather than the negative ones, especially if you aren’t giving your constantly depleting energy to them.
Accept that couples’ therapy is not (typically) an option
Narcissists are perfect in their minds; they do not need to engage in any therapy where they might be a target. They think that they do no wrong and as such often don’t believe that therapy will be helpful to them in anyway. Remember, they need constant validation, so no subtle suggestions from a counselor as to how they might or could improve in some area will work. Individual therapy for you would likely be a better choice and, if at all possible, can be compounded if your spouse agrees to see a therapist on their own as well.
Protect yourself and seek out your own self-care
You need friends and family on your side. You need to get your support and empathy from someone other than your spouse. If you want to stay in the marriage, this is your reality. Be sure to take time for yourself, your hobbies, and interests. A narcissistic spouse is not going to give you emotional support. And, if you ask yourself, will my spouse be jealous if I spend time with others, the answer is a very likely yes! You will need to be in charge of boosting your own self-esteem.
Dealing with a Narcissist is exhausting. You will need to realize that you will need to spend a lot of time supporting them with praise and adoration. Reciprocal treatment from your narcissist will likely not occur. They like talking about themselves. They like loyalty, but they will not likely display or give it back. They do not have much compassion for others and their feelings. Staying in any relationship takes much work and dedication; dealing with a narcissist means you will need to shoulder much of that work on your own.
When staying with a narcissist is no longer an option
Perhaps you’ve finally taken all that you can. You don’t want to deal with the narcissist in question anymore, you’ve put in more effort than you can give time and time again and you’ve decided that it is time to move on without them. What can you do?
Firstly, make sure that you are safe and have family or friends who you can talk to about what’s going on. Narcissism does not equal violence but, when a narcissistic person shows violent tendencies, it can be a lethal combination. Having a support system behind you will be key in assuring your safety when leaving them behind and since narcissists often try to separate their spouses from outside support systems, it may take some time to make sure you have a strong one behind you.
We offer a free resource guide with important information that spouses should know before moving out of their marital home. That guide will give you legal knowledge about how to move out, but if you are afraid for your safety, we also have articles about the intricacies of dealing with domestic violence.
Above all else, please make sure you keep yourself safe. If you are living with a narcissist and having trouble coping, contact us at (919) 787-6668 or visit our forum to discuss your options with an attorney.
