How do I catch my spouse in the act of cheating?
Whether it’s a shift in recent behavior, a new number on your shared phone bill with hundreds of calls that you don’t recognize, or a sinking feeling in your gut, you’ve started suspecting your spouse of cheating on you. Without concrete proof, though, you may just be working yourself up into a panic over nothing. Or worse – if they are in fact cheating but you have no ability to prove it, your spouse may still have a right to alimony that they otherwise would not have, among other potential issues.
Do beware, though – spying without your spouse’s knowledge or consent is illegal depending on how you go about doing so. North Carolina law and, more specifically, laws for the greater Raleigh area are very specific about what is not legal. Breaching this can result in not only having your evidence thrown out in your trial, but can lead to far worse circumstances such as jail time. Below are some legal methods for obtaining proof that will not jeopardize your case.
Hire a PI
The best legal way to catch a cheating spouse is to hire a private investigator (PI). PI’s have a lot of resources available when it comes to investigating a case. We share stories about PIs and discuss their role in greater detail in our article, Can a Private Investigator Help My Divorce Case?, but below is a small list of services offered by a PI.
- Track your spouse’s movements
- Snap photos of your spouse
- Place a GPS tracking device on a vehicle
- Install home surveillance equipment
- Run background checks on individuals your spouse is associating with
PIs have also been known to strategize with their clients on how to setup a situation that may entice the spouse to be less cautious. In one particular case we had, the PI was having a hard time catching the spouse because the spouse was being so discreet. The PI suggested to his client that she take a weekend trip. Sure enough, practically as soon as she pulled out of the driveway another car pulled in, and it was that female coworker she had been suspicious about. It wasn’t long before that PI had evidence to implicate the husband in an affair.
Before you hire a PI, we suggest you talk to an attorney. If an affair is going to have little or no impact on your case, it may not be worth it to spend your money trying to bust your spouse in the act. Then again, if it could have an impact on your case or if it could help you decide whether or not to stay in the marriage, then it may in fact be worth it. An attorney can advise you if it’s worth hiring a PI before you actually spend the money on it.
Raleigh-Durham Area Private Investigators
| Name | Service Area | Phone Number | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Macks Pickett | Raleigh and Surrounding Area | wes@mackspickett.com | 919-844-1483 |
| Cats Eye PI | North Carolina Statewide | info@catseyepi.net | (919) 878-9988 |
Be your own PI
Let’s start this section with a warning. This method can devolve into illegal territory quickly if one doesn’t understand the limits of North Carolina law. There is nothing wrong with following your spouse to see if she actually went to the gym a single time. If you have access to your spouse’s password, it may be permissible to pick up his phone and take a quick look at his emails and text messages when he is in another room. You’re also allowed to show up at their office after hours when they allege they’re working to check on them.
However, if you find yourself regularly following your spouse, you could very well be breaking the law. In Wake, Durham, and Orange County, these legal breaches include but are not limited to hacking into your spouse’s phone without permission or driving by their office daily to see if their car is in the parking lot. If you are considering taking matters into your own hands, please be sure to speak to an attorney first.
As far as perfectly legal measures that you can play PI with, stick to your joint accounts. Similar to being able to look over emails and text messages as you please if you share an email or phone number with a spouse, you may have many joint assets that your spouse might be leaving evidence with. Try keeping closer tabs on your finances. If you find that your spouse is spending more money on eating out or shopping, that can be telling.
Access Shared Phone Logs
Ask your cell phone provider to provide an itemized call log. Some providers will include this with your monthly bill, others will send it on demand. As long as you and your spouse are on the same plan, there should be no issue with you gaining access to the call log. If you start seeing the same unknown number appearing over and over again, that might be a clue.
While it may be easy to gain access to your spouse’s call log, text messages are more difficult. You may be able to obtain a list of the phone numbers your spouse engages in text messages with. However, the actual content of the texts is typically not something you can obtain from the phone company.
There are plenty of ways you can do your own evidence gathering. Just be careful not to overstep the state and federal wiretapping laws or domestic violence laws like stalking.
Keep Tabs on Social Media
Social media often serves as a catalyst for an extramarital affair for several reasons. First, It allows for an easy connection with former significant others. Before social media you likely wouldn’t keep up with what your ex was doing. Now finding out what your ex is up to is as easy as typing their name into the Facebook search box. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are all platforms that can facilitate rekindling an old romance.
Social media also makes it easier to flirt with strangers or casual acquaintances. You innocently think that co-worker on the fifth floor is cute, you “friend” him and boom, now you have access to a means of communication with him and a library of his pictures. One thing leads to another and before you know it you’re using social media to plan a rendezvous. Social media provides accessibility – without it, that relationship with the coworker may never have gone beyond casual workplace chitchat.
Not surprisingly, social media also provides a platform to catch a cheating spouse. Quite frequently extra-marital affairs are exposed by a tweet or Facebook activity. Tracking your spouse’s social media movements may be an easy way to find evidence pointing to an affair. Monitor who likes their photos and posts and keep track of who comments on their social media activity. Also stay aware of any new connections made that you aren’t familiar with.
So What’s Your Next Step?
Sometimes those sneaking suspicions are nothing. Your spouse might be working on a tight deadline, causing her to be distant and work late hours. He may be exercising more because work has gotten more stressful and exercise provides relief. And the new clothes may just be the result of a long overdue shopping spree.
On the other hand, sometimes those suspicions are valid. If the signs are there, dig a little deeper and see what evidence you can find on your own. Paying close attention to bank statements, social media, and phone records might provide you with all of the evidence you need. If you’re considering hiring a PI, consult with an attorney first to discuss the pros and cons.
Do You Suspect Your Spouse of Cheating? Speak With an Attorney
Lindsay is a dean’s list graduate of Campbell Law School and has been practicing as a family law attorney for over a decade. She’s also a member of the Wake County Bar Association and Wake Women’s Attorneys and has given talks on spousal spying and written pieces on mediation for family law cases.
