We have already discussed the role of children’s preferences in courtroom custody fights. But what if you are developing an agreement outside of court? How do you incorporate your child’s desires into your thinking without putting too much pressure on them?
First of all, it is important to step back and remember that children need adults to guide them in all areas of their lives. When asked, children going through a divorce will overwhelmingly say they want joint custody, but the vast majority of children have little real understanding of the long-term issues of life in a divided household.
Wallerstein emphasizes the importance of listening to the children, but not giving them a veto. She writes about the fear children have of being forgotten; the things that provide them comfort may be surprising. It is important to give children time and emotional space in which to adjust to this new reality, but it is equally important, now more than ever, to be a parent.
As harsh as this may sound, we don’t believe that young children should be able to decide when they will see their parents. Yes, all children should be allowed some input into the direction of their lives. But they don’t decide whether they go to school, the doctor, or the dentist. They don’t decide their vacation spot for the summer. They don’t decide who their child care provider will be, or even whether they will receive child care. So likewise, they don’t decide when and if they will see their parents. Nor do they decide under what conditions. In fact, a child may seem puzzled if asked his or her opinion. Do their feelings and emotions matter? Of course they do. But a child’s emotions do not dictate everything that happens to him or her. Adults still make those choices, and if parents can’t agree, then a judge in a courtroom will have to make the decisions for them. In a courtroom a child’s feelings may be heard, but in the end the judge decides, not the child.
