Getting Emotionally Ready for Negotiations

Divorce is about tangible things such as money and property, but there is a major emotional component as well. You are likely experience a variety of intense emotions as you proceed through each of the steps of divorce we are describing. What we want you to begin to think about now is the necessity of giving yourself and your spouse time to reach what we call “emotional readiness” for negotiations.

From an emotional perspective, the initial period of divorce is the most difficult. This is especially true for those who did not initiate the divorce, who are often surprised by their spouse’s decision. The spouse who made the decision has usually emotionally detached from the marriage before announcing the plans to separate. The departing spouse may want to complete the divorce as quickly as possible. If this is your position, you might make an initial attempt at negotiating; however, you may be best served by giving your spouse time to grieve for the loss of the relationship he or she has counted on for stability.

Pushing for negotiations before both spouses are ready, which may take months, can result in the process becoming combative. If you are being asked to negotiate early in the process, you may feel a powerful need to punish your spouse for what he or she has done. If you really think about your urge to retaliate, though, you may realize that you will hurt yourself more by holding onto hostile feelings. Playing out your anger at or disappointment with your spouse will almost surely reduce the chances for an amicable, cooperative settlement. Worse, a flaring of tensions could precipitate a court battle that leaves you emotionally scarred and financially ruined.

We realize, though, that recognizing what is good for you and acting on that knowledge are two very different things. If you are unable to control the urge for punitive negotiations, or you see that your spouse wants to get even with you in some way, you will want to slow things down. More time, and possibly counseling, will be required before everyone has reached the emotional readiness for good negotiations to occur. Remember, one of the goals here is to come out on the other side of your divorce a stronger, healthier person.

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