Finding out that your spouse cheated can bring on a torrent of emotions, from shock and anguish to anger and desire for revenge. Many people wonder if they should’ve seen the signs, while others back up their gut feelings by hunting for evidence. You may have looked through your husband’s computer or checked your wife’s phone records, or your spouse may have simply said, “It’s over.”

It’s natural to have questions after you discover your spouse’s infidelity. You might wonder how you’ll support yourself, where your children will live and what equitable distribution really means.  Since every case is different, you should only accept legal advice from your Durham divorce lawyer; he or she will be able to tell you how the law applies to your situation and help you understand your entitlements under North Carolina law.

Why “Teaching Your Ex a Lesson” is a Bad Idea
While you may relish the thought of exacting financial revenge on your ex, your Durham divorce lawyer will probably advise you to seek a fair settlement during your divorce. You don’t have to forgive your spouse, but in most cases, it’s in your best interest to help the divorce go as smoothly as possible. Creating a stir over “little things” or allowing your ex to get under your skin will only drag out your divorce and can cause you to lose ground quickly.

Keeping the Upper Hand
Dealing with a combative ex who has a new flame isn’t pleasant for anyone, including your Durham divorce lawyer and the judge who oversees your case. If you appear calm, cool and collected after your spouse has betrayed you, you’ll automatically have the upper hand. Don’t blow it by sinking to your spouse’s level.

You Can Catch More Flies with Honey…
The law will probably not entitle you to all the marital property you’ve accrued over the years, but you have a better chance of getting what you want from your divorce if you’re nice. Your Durham divorce lawyer will help you calculate alimony, come up with fair terms for property division and talk to you about custody—and at the same time, he or she will encourage you to avoid fighting with your ex so you can come out on top.

It’s not uncommon to fight with your soon-to-be ex during divorce; in fact, your Durham divorce lawyer has probably seen his or her fair share of combative couples. While it might feel good at the time, fighting can turn a bad situation into a horrible situation. If you and your spouse can’t agree on anything, from who gets the kids on which holidays to who keeps the brown dish towels that never left the linen closet, you might benefit from using a mediator.

Calling in the Professionals
You don’t have to be locked in a never-ending battle with your ex to benefit from mediation (although a mediator can help you untangle the knots in your communication if you are). Many divorcing couples work with a mediator to ensure their divorce is as fair as possible—even if they only disagree on a few points.

If you’re not sure whether mediation is right for you, ask your Durham divorce lawyer for guidance; he or she will give you the legal advice you need to make the best decision.

What a Mediator Is (and is Not)
Even though mediation is the most common technique used to resolve divorce disputes, many people don’t understand where the attorney’s job ends and the mediator’s begins. It’s important to remember that your mediator cannot give you legal advice; only your Durham divorce lawyer can do that.

Mediators aren’t biased. They aren’t therapists, either; rather, mediators are only interested in cutting through your arguments to find a solution that works for both you and your ex.

How Your Durham Divorce Lawyer Differs from a Mediator
Your Durham divorce lawyer’s main goal is to protect you within the legal system; your mediator’s main goal is to get you and your soon-to-be ex to agree on property division, child custody and other divorce-related issues. Your lawyer will be able to provide you with legal advice throughout the entire process.

Is Mediation Right for Us?
If your attorney suggests mediation, it’s probably a good idea to explore that option. You can also suggest it to your spouse and your attorney on your own. Based on the climate of your case and your willingness to work together to achieve a common goal, you might benefit from using a mediator. Ultimately, the decision is up to you and your spouse. Let your Durham divorce lawyer know right away if you’d like to use mediation so he or she knows what to expect next.

Military divorce rates have hit an all-time high, with almost 30,000 troops saying goodbye to their spouses by the end of 2011. When service members divorce, unique situations arise that aren’t common to civilian divorces. If you or your spouse is in the military, let your Durham divorce lawyer know right away so he or she can represent your best interests in the courtroom.

Deployed Military Members and Divorce
It’s not uncommon for a spouse to file for divorce during a deployment. With the current operational tempo of our nation’s military, many people are deployed for months on end. If your spouse is deployed, and you want to file for divorce, ask your Durham divorce lawyer about the Service members’ Civil Relief Act; you may have to delay your divorce proceedings until 60 days after your spouse comes back.

Dividing Your Property with a Military Member
Your Durham divorce lawyer will need your help determining which assets you will keep and which will go to your spouse, whether you’re the service member or your spouse is. If you’re a veteran receiving a pension from the military, or if your spouse is, your situation is governed by the Uniformed Services Former Spousal Protection Act. Talk to your lawyer about which benefits you’ll be entitled to receive and whether you’ll still enjoy base privileges if you’re divorcing a veteran of the Armed Forces.

Child Support after a Military Divorce
You and your Durham divorce lawyer will probably have several discussions about your financial situation, whether you’re in the military or your soon-to-be ex is. Those discussions will also include the potential amount you’ll receive in child support.

While a civilian judge will determine the amount of child support exchanged as a result of your military divorce, the military holds its members responsible for paying the amount ordered in civilian court. That means that if your ex doesn’t pay, you or your attorney can speak to someone in his or her chain of command. His or her military supervisor will then take the appropriate actions within military channels to ensure your child gets what he or she is entitled to receive in support payments.

What to Tell Your Durham Divorce Lawyer
Your Durham divorce lawyer will need all the information you have in order to fight for your rights during divorce. He or she may ask for:
•    Your spouse’s Leave and Earnings Statement, or LES
•    Contact information for your spouse’s chain of command
•    Your spouse’s deployment schedule or deployment history

It’s important to provide your Durham divorce lawyer with all the documentation he or she needs in a timely manner. Your lawyer can’t go to bat for you if you can’t produce items the court needs to establish support, for example, so putting in the extra work during your divorce can help ensure you won’t be left out in the cold when it’s finished.

Many people have suggested that divorce is harder than the death of a spouse—but is it really? Your Durham divorce lawyer has probably seen some tough cases, especially those that include bitter child custody battles and domestic violence, that leave bitterness and anger long after the divorce is final. While grief is very real in each situation, in some ways divorce might be more difficult to deal with for some people.

Apples to Oranges: Comparing Death and Divorce
Without a doubt, divorce is one of the hardest things most people will ever deal with. In most cases, psychologists say that divorce can’t be compared to the death of a spouse because the dynamics are vastly different.

What Makes Divorce So Different than Death?
Unlike death, divorce is a willful decision made by one or both parties in a marriage. It’s often the result of one partner’s unhappiness, unfaithfulness or other issues. A divorce marks the end of an unhappy relationship, while death doesn’t necessarily do that.

The after-effects of both scenarios are different, too; many people experience an outpouring of support after the death of a spouse, but after a divorce, each divorcé is often left alone. While a widower or widow is expected to take time to grieve, many divorced men and women are told to “move on” and start over.

What You Should Ask Your Durham Divorce Lawyer
In order for you to process your grief during divorce, you’ll need to ask your Durham divorce lawyer a few key questions. You’ll need to know how often you’ll have to deal with your ex (frequent contact can make coping more difficult), especially if you share children; you’ll probably want to find out how long it will be before your Durham divorce lawyer hands you your signed, final paperwork.

You might also want to ask your Durham divorce lawyer if he or she can refer you to a local counselor or therapist with experience in situations like yours. Talking to a third party can be incredibly therapeutic, helping you put your grief into perspective and allowing you the time you need to grieve over the loss of your marriage.