Divorce is more than a legal process. It’s an emotionally demanding journey that marks the beginning of your new life. We’ve helped thousands of clients through some of the most difficult periods of their lives and have handled countless divorces and separations, custody battles, and domestic violence cases. One constant in every case? The deep, personal emotional struggle that comes with these issues.
Whether you’re feeling grief, anger, relief, guilt, or all of the above, your emotions are valid. This article explores how to face those feelings, regain control, and move forward without fear.
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Recognize That Emotions Are Part of the Process
It’s completely normal to experience emotional highs and lows during a divorce. You may feel devastated one day and optimistic the next. This turbulence doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means you’re human.
Some emotions may catch you off guard or even keep you in an unhealthy relationship longer than necessary. Here are a few we often see throughout the process:
- Grief over the loss of your partner and the life you were building together
- Anger at lies, betrayal, or broken promises
- Guilt over the mistakes you made or the impact this may have on your children
- Fear of the future for you and your children and whether you will find love again
- Relief from no longer having to deal with an unhealthy relationship
These are all a part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel them without judgment but don’t let them shape your decision-making process. Always consult with an attorney before making decisions that could alter the course of your family and your life. This is especially important if you are deciding whether to sign a lasting legal contract like a separation agreement.
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Don’t Go It Alone
Divorce can be isolating, but withdrawing entirely from others often amplifies pain. Now is the time to lean on others. While there is much you may want to keep to yourself, do not be afraid to ask for help. This should include both emotional labor and physical acts like help with looking after your children or organizing your things if you are moving.
Do note that different support systems may be better suited for providing different types of relief. Let’s explore some of the avenues that may be worth considering:
Friends and Family
What are friends for if not for giving you a shoulder to lean on? Seek out the people in your life who offer non-judgmental support. Even if you haven’t got everything figured out, you don’t need to have all the answer. What matters is having someone to listen. Trusted loved ones can offer comfort and a sense of perspective you may not have had otherwise.
Join a Divorce Support Group
Support groups, whether online or in person, are the perfect place to share your feelings and experiences without fear. They create safe, judgment-free environments where others understand exactly what you’re going through. Whether you’re seeking emotional reassurance or practical advice (like referrals for therapists or attorneys), these groups offer an empowering sense of community.
Consider Therapy
Some situations are overwhelming and require a more structured way of processing them. A licensed counselor can help you develop coping mechanisms and learn to move through these intense emotions in the long term. They can help you get to the root of your issues and assess what you truly want in the long run instead of focusing on the immediate emotions you may be feeling. Clients often ask us if therapy will be used against them in a divorce. Our experience is that Judges understand the crisis that can be divorce and want spouses and parents to seek relief and treatment.
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Reframe your Thinking
It’s easy to ruminate on the past and what you could have done differently. But dwelling on regret only delays healing. Do not focus on how things “should” have gone. Divorce does not define your worth or your future.
Instead of thinking negatively, shift your point of view. You may not have chosen this path, but you do have the power to shape what comes next. Remember: many people have gone through exactly what you are and have come out stronger. You may not have control over what’s happening right now, but you have control over where you’re going.
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Focus on What You Can Control
Divorce changes your world as you know it. Your routine has become disrupted, you’re juggling logistics around custody exchanges, and you’re suddenly having to budget for items that used to be regular monthly purchases. Now more than ever, find the things that you do have control over.
Here are just some of the steps you can take that will help you regain your sense of control:
- Create a new routine that can become your new normal
- Set realistic and achievable short-term goals
- Explore new hobbies or activities that allow for self-expression or meeting new friends
- Use healthy coping mechanisms like exercise, journaling, or meditation
- Avoid harmful behaviors like substance misuse or impulsive decisions
Don’t get hung up on the new stressors you are experiencing. Many of them are temporary and establishing a new routine can ease in the ones that aren’t. Just remember that your mental and emotional health are as important as your physical and financial health. Taking care of each of them will help make the others infinitely easier to tackle.
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Take Care of Yourself to Take Care of Your Children
When you’re going through a divorce, it’s natural to focus entirely on your children’s needs. But your emotional health can directly affect theirs. Kids are remarkably perceptive. They absorb not just what you say, but how you behave, cope, and communicate under stress. If you’re running on an empty tank, they may feel it even if you think you’re hiding it well.
Think of the flight attendant’s instructions: put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. It’s not selfish; it’s essential. Your ability to parent effectively depends on your own mental and emotional stability.
Children are more likely to develop healthy coping mechanisms when they see them modeled at home. When you show them that it’s okay to ask for help, to take time for self-care, and to manage emotions in constructive ways, you’re giving them tools that will serve them for life.
Taking care of yourself is one of the most loving and protective things you can do for your children.
Keep a few things in mind as you weigh your own self-care with that of your child’s:
Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself
Self-care isn’t selfish. It is beneficial to everyone in your life, but especially to your children. A calm, centered parent helps create a safe and secure environment for children. Make sure your basic needs are always being met, and know that even small acts of self-care, like rest or quiet reflection, can have a big impact.
Model how you want your children to behave
Your children notice your reactions to things and model their own after you. Demonstrate healthy behavior for them as you tackle your own challenges. This in turn will discourage tantrums and emotional outlashes as they see a better way to work through their own issues.
Avoid involving them in adult conflicts
One of the hardest aspects of divorce and custody for kids is seeing firsthand the very adult problems their parents are experiencing. Do your best to minimize their exposure to these types of conflicts and leave them out of the “he said, she said”.
Healing Takes Time, but You Will Get There
There’s no single “right” way to feel during divorce. Give yourself permission to take your time. Be gentle with yourself. And remember: you’re not defined by what happened, but by how you choose to move forward.
Should you need more resources, contact us or call us at 919-787-6668. We have years of experience with divorce and custody issues as well as the emotions surrounding them. We’re here to help you with every step of this journey.
Lisa is a leading figure in North Carolina’s family law field, dedicated to guiding clients through challenging times with compassion and expertise. As the President and Owner of Rosen Law Firm, P.A., Lisa has built a successful practice specializing in divorce, child custody, child support, alimony, equitable distribution, and domestic violence. She has been a North Carolina Board-Certified Specialist in Family Law since 1998.
