It’s important to remember, throughout the process of separation and divorce, that much of the advice that is normally given to divorcing couples may not apply in a domestic violence situation. Normal conflict resolution behaviors may not be possible, and the alternatives may seem counterintuitive. While a “normal” divorce process may require and reward negotiation strategies, it may be necessary for a battered spouse to forego the compromises that can lead to amicable resolution for many couples. A controlling spouse will often hijack the negotiation process to perpetuate the cycle of abuse. We often see an abuser engage in stall tactics to prolong control; sometimes the only alternative is to go to court. An attorney sensitive to some of the psychological issues surrounding domestic violence can be instrumental in helping the survivor discern when the “normal” process isn’t working, and when more drastic measures are warranted.
As much as we believe in and recommend the mediation process as a means of reducing conflict during the termination of a marriage, we recognize that it is often not appropriate for situations in which domestic violence is occurring. Mediation theory dictates that participating parties need to be equals in terms of the balance of power in the relationship. Any situation in which one partner has a measure of control over the other will not lend itself to a calm, rational negotiation process. In domestic violence cases, we have found that it is often necessary to let the case go to court—which we usually don’t like to do in nonviolent situations—so that a judge can intervene, hopefully breaking the cycle of violence by ensuring that both parties are heard and represented.
The presence of children in an abusive marriage can complicate the divorce dramatically. Much of the advice is the same—battles over custody issues can become yet another tool the abuser uses to control his victim—but when a parent is concerned about the safety of her/his children, the stakes often seem much higher. There are certain systemic biases that can make custody negotiations even more difficult for an abused spouse. For instance, the court system generally exhibits what is called the “friendly parent bias”—the flexible, agreeable parent gets more sympathy from the court, but flexibility is rarely an option for a victim of domestic violence.
Let’s consider the case of “Jane.” Her priority must always be safety, for herself and for her children. She may find herself within a framework of restraining orders, supervised visitation, public meeting places, and carefully scheduled exchanges that leave little room for flexibility but that she relies on to ensure her own safety. Another concern many abused mothers express is that, because she shares children with her abuser, she will never be able to truly pull up stakes and move away for the abuser altogether. There is no easy answer in these situations; we just go back to our most important piece of advice: safety comes first.
If violence in your home escalates to the point that you feel that you are in danger, immediate action is warranted, and even required. You will need to:
- Call the police and get a police report
- Get a protective order
- File criminal assault charges
- Find safe shelter
The website of the American Bar Association is an excellent resource to consult if you find you have to flee a violent situation.
One important thing to remember when it comes to involving the police in a domestic dispute is that it only works if the abuser respects authority. Someone who has been in trouble a lot is unlikely to abide by an order. Experts say the survivor is the best judge of what will keep him/her safe. A police officer won’t be able to protect you around the clock, and a domestic violence order is not a bulletproof vest. You know that if the police can’t protect the president from getting shot, they can’t stop a violent spouse. Survivors have to take matters into their own hands and go to a shelter or hotel to hide. If you find you absolutely do not have the money to get to a safe place, think outside the box a little. You might be surprised to find that there are people in your life who are concerned about your welfare and are more than willing to help. Even employers and churches have been known to pay for a hotel room for a few days to enable an abuse victim to hide out and pick him or herself back up.
When it comes to actually involving law enforcement and pressing charges against an abuser, there are a couple of things to remember. Every state, of course, is different, but in general, a restraining order is a civil document requiring one party to stay away from another. Such an order usually outlines very clear boundaries, or parameters: the defendant can’t come within a certain number of feet of the plaintiff, or only in certain public places, or with very specific supervision/protection in place. These orders are generally passed in family court. But if, on the other hand, you file criminal charges, the case will be heard in criminal court, and will carry the potential of jail time if the offender is found guilty. A list of charges that are generally considered domestic violence crimes in most states would include the following:
- Assault, or assault on a female
- Making harassing phone calls
- Stalking
- Interference with a 9-1-1 call
- Strangulation
Again, as we have pointed out, laws governing domestic violence vary widely from state to state. Efforts have been made to standardize legislation across the country, but if you have questions regarding the law where you live, you’ll need to consult a local attorney.
Finally, before we leave the topic of domestic violence, we would like to give several pieces of advice, accumulated over our combined years of experience working directly for abused spouses, but also working to improve the legal code that is meant to protect victims of domestic violence. First, trust your instincts. If your gut tells you that you’re in danger, get to a safe place. Second, don’t let other people in your life minimize your situation. Only you know what you’re going through, and your own experience has to inform your decisions. And finally, don’t assume that anyone else’s stories apply to you. Every situation is unique, and relying on rumor and gossip to guide your actions can be a recipe for disaster. Get professional help, and stay safe.
