Divorce is difficult for separating spouses, but it is undoubtedly also hard on their children, regardless of their age. Even if a child is just an infant, there are difficult adjustments to make. Divorce impacts all children, young or old. This article will contain some tips to help you assist your children with the transition.
Minor children will wonder where they will live and when they will see their parents. So, be very clear what their visitation schedule will be, along with when and where they will see the other parent. Remind the children that both parents will remain in their lives. Be sure to schedule doctor appointments and school conferences so that the other parent can be involved. Reassure the children that they are loved by both parents, forever and always.
Strive hard to reach a visitation and custody schedule as quickly as possible in the separation process. Be clear about school breaks and holiday schedules. Try to maintain extended family traditions. Display in the home what the weekly and/or monthly schedule will be so that the children can see their visitation times. A schedule is reassuring to a child. Clear communication to the children is needed.
However, avoid talking badly about the other parent in front of the children. This can be tough, but it is not in the child’s best interests to hear negative things about their other parent. And, do not use the children as a messenger. With today’s technology, every parent can communicate with the other via text, email, or call. Also, there any numerous apps that can manage communications between parents.
Just think of the game Telephone. Statements always get garbled in that game. Messages from children to the other parent can get lost in translation as well. Including a prohibition against negative talk should be included in a parenting agreement, and the same terms can be detailed to prohibit extended family members from negative talk around the children. Experts have concluded that even asking a child to convey a simple message like a reminder about an appointment can be stress inducing to the child. Avoid it. Communicate with the other spouse yourself.
Child rearing experts opine that all children, regardless of age, will be impacted by divorce. Even though a child under 2 might not grasp what is happening, if that child is still breastfeeding, feeding logistics need to be managed. Experts also note that the toughest ages tend to between 6-12 for offspring to handle their parents’ divorce. Children are still very dependent on their parents during these years.
Parents should work hard to keep the children in the same school if possible and allow the children to maintain their friendships even if a move is involved. Children need to be reassured and loved during this transition.
As children enter their teenage years, most start the phase of independence and they want to spend more time with friends and less time with family (even if the family is intact). Separating parents of teenagers need to remind themselves that the teenage years are tough anyway and honor the child’s request for independence and freedom. Remind children that they can have access to their other parent as needed. Again, take advantage of technology with facetime and zoom calls. Work to give the impression, and reality, that both parents are involved and committed to balanced parenting. Each parent can assist with homework and attend extracurricular activities. Electronic apps are great for sharing schedules and appointments.
If the children can see and experience that both parents are involved and committed, it will help the children transition through the divorce. Reassuring the children that they are loved is encouraged. Also, tell the children that they are NOT the reason for the divorce. Even with these emotional reminders, children can struggle. Some troubles are expected, like crying and being sad. However, some more grave emotions can occur. Some warning signs of emotional issues that need special treatment include:
- abrupt changes in sleep habits
- poor concentration and troubles at school
- self-injury
- frequent emotional outbursts
- withdrawal and disinterest
- substance use and abuse
If any of these warning signs are observed, both parents need to take action. Seek help from school counselors and mental health professionals. Look for a mental health professional with advanced training and experience. Seek help from those who have extensive treatment of children, adolescents, and families. Parents should address these problems as soon as possible to reduce problems for the children in their homes and schools.
Likewise, parents need to remember to care about themselves during a divorce. It is a stressful time. Divorce is often regarded as the 2nd most stressful time for a person, with death of spouse being #1. Parents need their free time to recharge. Healthy habits like mindfulness, exercise and finding emotional support are required. Being physically sick during a separation will just compound the issues – and give the children another thing to worry about. Parents need to care for their own health as well, both physical and mental.
Lisa has practiced law since 1987 but has also been heavily involved in legal education and writing. As a teacher at Central Carolina Community College, she has been nominated twice for Instructor of the Year. She has taught paralegal and criminal justice courses, authored legal study guides and articles for national publications, edited numerous legal studies textbooks, and consulted with legal authors on several writing and educational projects. She is also a Board member and Committee Chair for the North Carolina State Bar Board of Paralegal Certification.
