The Causes of Divorce

Whether you are feeling lost in the throes of litigation, revisiting a decade-old custody arrangement, or considering a trial separation, we would challenge you with this question: How can you use this experience, right now, to grow as a person?

When faced with divorce, people naturally wonder how their lives took this unexpected turn. The question of what causes divorce has been hotly debated, especially since the divorce rate rose a few decades ago. Even so, there is no comprehensive list of causes. If we had a greater understanding of what causes divorce, it probably would not be so prevalent.

A survey conducted for the American Association of Retired Per-sons (AARP) asked those who divorced after age forty to identify, from a long list, the three major reasons for their divorce. They chose:

• Verbal, physical, or emotional abuse (34 percent)
• Different values, lifestyles (29 percent)
• Cheating (27 percent)
• Simply fell out of love/no obvious problems (24 percent)
• Alcohol or drug abuse (21 percent)
• Being a control freak (16 percent)
• Money problems (14 percent)
• Not carrying their weight in the marriage (14 percent)
• Fell in love with someone else (10 percent)
• Abandonment (10 percent)

Many experts say that the answers people give in surveys such as this usually refer to symptoms rather than actual causes. For in-stance, cheating is usually a symptom of a relationship that has bro-ken down. Such symptoms usually occur after some other change caused the relationship to deteriorate. Cheating may be the last straw that leads to the divorce. In most cases, though, the point that causes the final collapse of the marriage occurs after at least one spouse, but usually both, has lived with years of unhappiness in the marriage.

So, if what we commonly think of as causes of divorce are just symptoms, what are the real causes? Experts who have studied the issue say that communication problems, particularly when it comes to resolving conflict, underlie most divorces.

Dr. John Gottman, perhaps the most respected and dedicated re-searcher of these issues, has found evidence that what a couple fights about is not nearly as important as the how they fight. He has also shown that happily married couples don’t necessarily have less conflict than those who divorce. Dr. Gottman has identified key behaviors that, if avoided, can enable couples to deal with highly volatile issues, such as infidelity, while keeping their marriage intact. More information about Dr. Gottman’s research, along with relation-ship quizzes, books and videos designed to help improve a couple’s communication skills, can be found online through The Gottman Institute.

If you are reading this because you are considering or facing a divorce, we advise you to invest some time in understanding how your relationship got to this point. Doing so now could actually save your marriage, if that’s an option you’re looking for. Thinking longer-term, you may be able to avoid repeating the same mistakes in a future relationship.

Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages, which may signal that too few of those who get divorced put enough energy into understanding what happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Finding a root cause may take some time and require the help of a counselor or therapist. An outsider can be especially helpful if you have zeroed in on one potential cause and need to broaden your view to reexamine the whole relationship. A therapist can also assist you in dealing with the difficult emotions that may resurface in such a reexamination.

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