Dating During Divorce

Some people going through a divorce cannot imagine reentering the dating scene. Others begin dating to distract themselves from the emotional pain of divorce, or to help deal with the loneliness they feel without their spouse. During this period you are going through many emotional changes. Your ideas about what you want or need from a relationship are likely to be continually in flux as you reestablish your independence. The statistics show that relationships begun during or shortly after divorce have only a slim chance of lasting very long.

Although many people ignore the advice, every professional that deals with people going through divorce recommends avoiding getting into new relationships at least until your divorce is final, and usually for a year after that. If you began an adulterous relationship prior to discussing the divorce with your spouse, it is best to put the relationship on hold until the divorce is final. If the relationship was meant to be, it will survive the hiatus. Relationships of this nature that are revealed during the divorce could result in your spouse adding fault grounds to your divorce filing—in states where that is possible—regardless of whether the claim is valid. If you are considering revealing the relationship because you feel guilty, be sure to understand how your actions might affect your property distribution or alimony. You might feel better about yourself but later regret the financial implications.

Aside from the potential for additional emotional upheaval and complication, dating during divorce can work against your efforts to resolve the issues involved in your divorce quickly and inexpensively. You may have reached an emotional disconnection from your spouse, but he or she might still be emotionally attached to you. Even if your spouse appears to be accepting the divorce, he or she can become jealous and angry when faced with the fact that you are dating, or living with, someone else. Obviously such emotions work against any efforts at an amicable and rapid resolution of the issues in your divorce.

Couples with children need to be particularly aware of how their actions will affect their kids. A parent who dates during divorce is likely to alienate the children. The kids are more likely to blame a parent who rapidly moves into a new relationship for ruining the marriage. They also are likely to demonize your new companion. If the opposite happens and they begin to build a relationship with the new person, you may be setting them up for another blow, given the odds of such a rebound relationship succeeding. If your children have to experience yet another loss, the potentially harmful effects of the divorce on them can be amplified.

Dating during divorce carries with it risks of complicating your negotiations and harming your children’s emotional health. Dating, and especially living together, can also affect you financially, either in negotiations or in court. A spouse seeking support from a soon-to-be ex may find it more difficult to justify financial needs, particularly when living with a new person. On the other hand, a spouse who might have to pay alimony can find that moving in with someone and thus lowering household expenses may result in the ex-spouse or a judge deciding that the support payment should be increased. Although child support is more formulaic than spousal support, judges can deviate from the state guidelines. A case where living expenses are affected by the sharing of expenses with a new companion could trigger such a deviation. Even if, like most, you do not end up in court, the effect on your finances of your living arrangement could play a part in your efforts to negotiate a settlement.

The final area of concern regarding dating during divorce is potentially the most significant. If you are forced to go to court to work out a child custody arrangement, your fitness as a parent will be evaluated by a judge, and possibly an expert assisting the court, who will have very little information about you. If your children are, as often happens, uncomfortable being around you while you are with your new companion, your relationship with them may be, at least temporarily, damaged at a time when that relationship is being scrutinized. You should also realize that someone evaluating your parenting might view your decision to date during divorce as evidence of a lack of regard for the feelings of your children. Such a conclusion could affect the amount of parenting time you are awarded. Moving in with someone during your divorce greatly increases the potential negative impact on your case.

If, despite all the potential consequences, you choose to date during your divorce, do so discreet to avoid harming your negotiations and, most importantly, hurting your children. Definitely wait until a relationship seems well established before involving your children with your new companion.

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